A Goonies Sequel Is Definitely Maybe Happening, Might Not Have Any Actual Goonies in It

A Goonies Sequel Is Definitely Maybe Happening, Might Not Have Any Actual Goonies in It
Image courtesy of Warner Bros.

The sequel rumor that wouldn't die keeps chugging along, this time thanks to former hobbit Sean Astin:

“I have said and will always say, that it’s not a question of if, but rather when the sequel gets made,” Astin told the Tulsa World.

“The precise makeup of it, I have no idea,” he said. “Whether I will be in it, no idea. Whether they would even want the original cast in it, no idea. But it doesn’t matter It’s bigger — it’s actually bigger than everybody. It’s bigger than even Steven [Spielberg], who created it. It’s bigger than Richard Donner, who breathed such strong life into it.
[...]
“If it gets made in my lifetime, I will root for it, whether I’m in it or not,” he wrote. “If it gets made after I’m no longer here to be in it or watch it, I still know in my heart, guts, wherever, [that] it will get made.”

For the love of all that is holy, just put me out of my misery, you assholes. I've already given my blessing, so you'd think the least they could do is make the damn thing already. And yet, the fact that it hasn't gotten off the ground — even in half-assed direct-to-DVD fashion — 30 years later leads me to suspect nobody involved really wants it to happen at all.

Because let's be honest, with very few exceptions, none of the original cast and crew stand to benefit. Steven Spielberg could probably reprise his role as executive producer, but it isn't like the guy needs a hit. As for original director and writer Richard Donner and Chris Columbus, neither is planning to direct or write a sequel himself.

In other words, Spielberg might throw some money at it (which he did for Transformers: Age of Extinction, so he's not picky), but Donner, who's now 85 and comfortably producing X-Men movies, and Columbus are out. The latter is obviously far enough into the Don't Give a Fuck stage of his career that he's directing Adam Sandler's latest crapfest.

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So that takes care of your main creative personnel. What about the cast? Glad you asked; let's run down their potential level of interest and/or current state of deceasedness:

The "Goonies"

Sean Astin (Michael "Mikey Walsh")
A.k.a. the only reason we're talking about this again. Astin has FU Lord of the Rings money, which nevertheless hasn't stopped him from taking every script shoved under his front door. *Of course* he'd be up for a sequel: He was in Click , for crying out loud. And also this embarrassing piece of revisionist schmaltz about a future stock scammer.

Corey Feldman (Clark "Mouth" Devereaux)
Feldman's recent filmography includes two DTV Lost Boys sequels and an appearance in Sharknado 3. Personally, I think Mouth should be the bad guy in any Goonies follow-up, but that's in keeping with my theory that every one of those lousy kids turned to a life of crime.

Ke Huy Quan (Richard "Data" Wang)
I had to check Wikipedia to verify he was alive. Having said that, I'd be willing to forgive a Goonies sequel if it meant Quan agreed never to revisit the character of Short Round under pain of Mola Ram. 

Josh Brolin (Brandon "Brand" Walsh)
Curiously, to a point, Brolin might be enjoying the most critically acclaimed movie career of any of the cast, with roles in No Country For Old Men, W., Milk and Inherent Vice (I'm conveniently leaving out Jonah Hex and Oldboy). Still, his appearances as Thanos in two Marvel movies suggest he might be perverse enough to sign on.

Jeff Cohen (Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen)
Conversely, Los Angeles attorney Cohen is probably the most successful cast member who's no longer acting. Considering the now-svelte Cohen would no longer be able to perform an updated "Truffle Shuffle," the attraction of a new movie — for him or the fans — probably isn't there. We'll always have this, I guess.

Kerri Green (Andrea "Andy" Carmichael)
Green and Plimpton (see below) have consistently shown up to reunion events, but Green has otherwise moved on, creating her own production company and mostly staying out of the limelight. Her interest can probably be gauged by how enthusiastic she is about reprising that kiss with Mikey.

Martha Plimpton (Stephanie "Stef" Steinbrenner)
And another thing: Merely shortening your first name doesn't require quotation marks. "Mouth?" "Chunk?" "Data?" Fine. But Brand and Stef are perfectly normal abbreviated versions of the characters' given names. 

This doesn't have anything to do with anything. Plimpton's dad is Keith Carradine. I didn't know that.

The Fratellis

Anne Ramsey (Agatha "Mama" Fratelli)
Ramsey died in 1988, sadly. Fun fact: Ramsey is the only cast member aside from Josh Brolin to be nominated for an Academy Award (Throw Momma From the Train). Feldman could be a dark horse in that upcoming Bikini Bandits sequel, however.

Joe Pantoliano as Francis Fratelli
You know what sequel *would* be interesting? Risky Business. In it, Joel has been incarcerated thanks to his role in the recent financial crisis. He runs afoul of Guido the killer pimp in prison. A series of snafus puts Joel on death row, and it's up to celebrity defense attorney Lana to manage his appeal all the way to the Supreme Court, where Chief Justice Miles writes the majority opinion for his acquittal, saying, "Sometimes you've just gotta say, 'What the fuck?'"

Robert Davi (Jake Fratelli)
Davi is an honest-to-Agent Johnson professional singer, touring right now in support of his recently released album of Sinatra covers. In other words, that was actually him singing in The Goonies, if you could hear it over all the screaming.

John Matuszak (Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli)
Status: Dead

The "Tooz" died of an accidental overdose in 1989. Drugs are bad, y'all. 


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