Ashton & Demi: Breaking Up (Over the Internet) Is Hard To Do
What's more immature than airing your domestic, dirty laundry over Twitter? Airing that laundry when you are Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, and you have a combined Twitter following of almost 12 million people.
Within the realms of 140 characters, the breadth of a marital squabble is very limiting. You are obliged to keep your arguments allusive and incredibly short, which is probably why Mr. and Mrs. Kutcher are forced to fight with Twitpics, Bitly links, status updates, # tags Instagrams and Spotify tracks; if you understood what any of that meant, congrats to you.
Celebrity break ups via technology are inevitable and with the ever-changing media landscape, they are becoming all too visible. We can recall a time before the Internet that when celebrities broke up they had to send out a press release to let the world know! But the times they have a' changed and, through the years, so have celebrity splits. Recall, if you will, in days of yore when Daniel Day Lewis dumped Isabelle Adjani via fax, which now would be considered a good joke. Or when Sly Stallone dumped model, girlfriend Jennifer Flavin by sending her a breakup letter through Fed Ex. Whether he used the Super Saver Shipping is unknown. Then, there was Matt Damon who dumped Minnie Driver on the Oprah Winfrey Show. There has been dumpage by text message, on television and by text on TV, such as the Britney Spears and Kevin Federline calamity.
Up until now, being given the heave-ho over television was probably the most convenient and impersonal way for stars to do the deed. Kutcher and Moore's new Twitter fight has taken the Internet's TMI-factor to new levels. But... calling it quits over Twitter was totally three days ago. If we may, here are five sure-fire ways for the Mr. and Mrs. Two and a Half Men to end it all using the World Wide Web.
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An Oldie But Goody - The Drunk e-mail We refuse to believe these two don't have at least one of each other's e-mail addresses. With an email, you can have a genuine, in-depth, one-sided conversation and if you are really, really drunk when you do it, everything you want to say comes out perfectly. A word of advice, don't wait until the next morning to hit send, you will wind up editing misspellings or cruel comments about someone's hair style in A Few Good Men, or worse, not send the email at all. A second word of advice, make your subject line "I Am So Drunk Right Now," to have a potential "out" the next day if you find yourself regretting.
When You Care Enough To Hit Send - An eCard
Believe it or not there is a break up section in the Hallmark's online collection. Most of them are uber "power chick," so we'll offer this as a suggestion to Demi. She should check out the "Contest Winner" eCards if she's looking for something really special. Similar to Hallmark's printed "Contest Winner" series, the cards feature photographs of dogs in absurd get-ups with confused motivational messages like "It's Your Day to Learn a New Trick."
If Ashton is looking for an appropriate eCard to say the words he just can't type, he should visit Someecards, which has an entire line of sarcastic and juvenile communications appropriate for any break up situation. Extra, Extra Read All About It - Facebook
The Facebook break up is as straightforward as it gets. Change your status to single, post it to your feed and let the viral Gods do the work they were born to do.
Where Were You Last Night? - Foursquare No longer are paranoid wives forced to look through old bank records, credit card bills or phone history. You want to know where your husband was last night, just check out his Foursquare log. There's no lying to Foursquare! Actions speak louder than words and if Ashton is honestly looking for an out, he can tell Demi where he really was last night and with whom. Better yet, just "Check Into" Sara Leal's bedroom and put an immediate end to it all.
Money Can't Buy Love - Ebay No, money can't buy love, but it can buy a used wedding ring! In 2004, Larry Star, who was later dubbed the "Wedding Dress Ebay Guy" allegedly sold his ex-wife's wedding dress for almost three times its worth by posting a good story about their split on Ebay. There is no doubt that if Ashton Kutcher put his wedding ring on the Ebay market, he would get just as many hits as Larry Star did (5.8 million), and he may even get a good chunk of money for the piece of jewelry, which he should then donate to charity so he doesn't look like an terrible human being. What an awfully, 21st Century way to end a lifetime commitment; it's just crazy enough to work!
Look, the Twitter war of the roses between Kutcher and Demi is as juvenile as it is gets. We might give this type of recess behavior to Ashton, but Demi? You are better than that. If the couple has something to say to each other, the best way we've found is to sit down and have a real life (no, not Second Life) conversation. OK, that's just crazy; do it over the phone.
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