Basic, Practical Sex Tips For the Married Man
I've been with my wife for close to 13 years now, and like a lot of married people sex isn't always as dynamic or often as either of us might like. It's hard to find the time for love when you're both busy with work (two jobs in my case), school (nursing for her), and raising a child that is STILL CLEARLY AWAKE AND PLAYING WITH HER LEAP PAD. I CAN HEAR YOU, YOUNG LADY, GO TO SLEEP. See what I mean? Things get in the way.
Now, people will tell you that's just how it is when two people are married for a while, but I'm here to tell you those people are quitters. It's perfectly possible to keep the physical romance alive if you're willing to look at it as any other problem that you face in your marriage.
This isn't a Cosmo article, OK? I'm not going to tell you to run out and get a steampunk vibrator to spice things up even though that's totally an option. Nor do I have some new "naughty" style of coitus for you to try out. This is real advice for real busy people, and the more pragmatic about it you are the better.
Schedule Sex: I know people think that sex is supposed to be an emotional, completely spontaneous event, which is weird because I as a young man went to great lengths to plan a path to intercourse. Love is unbridled, like a horse. Majestic, wild, and free like a horse... I should probably drop this analogy here.
Markiplier's You're Welcome Tour
TicketsThu., Jun. 8, 7:30pm
Something Rotten! (Touring)
TicketsFri., Jun. 9, 8:00pm
Something Rotten! (Touring)
TicketsSat., Jun. 10, 2:00pm
"The Fine Tex Mex Tour Starring William Lee Martin & Alex Reymundo"
TicketsFri., Jun. 16, 8:00pm
Disney Presents The Lion King (Touring)
TicketsTue., Jun. 27, 7:30pm
That may be the popular thought, but experts agree that setting a regular date for sex is the best way to ensure that you both receive a healthy amount of release. It may seem strange at first, but it doesn't take long to get into the habit. My advice is to pick the most boring, routine day of the week, like a Wednesday. Weekend days are unpredictable, and that's entirely against the point. And hey, if you suddenly decide to get down some other day, it's like a bonus. Spontaneity is great, but it shouldn't be a prerequisite.
Take a Shower First: There's nothing wrong with the point in the relationship where you're comfortable enough to fart in each other's presences. Trust me, the stress of maintaining the "perfect you" that you pretended to be when you were dating would rip you apart if maintained for the entirety of married life.
Just because you've reached that point though, doesn't mean that your partner lost her ability to smell. If you've been sitting in a chair all day letting out gas bombs because you're alone in your office and who cares, then I promise your nether regions smell like death. When you come home just say you're going to take a brief shower before dinner. Brush your teeth, trim your nails, and if you happen to know what scents your wife likes then use them. LUSH bath products may seem girly, but a good smelling man is a powerful lure for any lady. Trust me.
Make Sure You Touch Her Non-Sexually More: Sex, or more accurately making love, is about physical closeness. Yes, every couple has burning Viking ship bouts of banging that are nothing more than orgasm contests, but the majority of your sessions are going to be tender moments with the person you've chosen to spend your life with.
That physical closeness is very important to both of you whether you know it or not. The sex is just the end product and ultimate expression. When's the last time you came up behind your wife and just hugged her? Held her hand in public? Picked her up and carried her for the sheer thrill of it? When you lose those things in a relationship, sex is just the last of them to go. Maintaining regular touching in couples is a key component.
Do Not Build It Up In Your Head: There's going to be a point in any marriage where you wake up and realize you've haven't had sex in a multi-month long period. Like I said, work, school, kid, whatever gets in the way and it just didn't happen.
The worst thing you can do is think, "Man, it's been so long this is going to be awesome!" Especially if you decided that the first night back in the saddle is going to be the one where you try to spring every weird idea you've had in the dry spell on her at once. Trust me, this isn't going to work, and you're just going to get mad when she refuses to wear a wig and call you Caesar.
The kinky stuff is for the advanced class. You are attempting the sexual equivalent of missing the gym for a quarter of the year, then immediately trying to do an hour of hard weights. No, you have to build back up to that.
Talk After Sex: In all likelihood the person you're married to is the last person you are planning on ever taking to bed. They are your partner until one of you dies or the whole thing falls apart. You need to be honest and make sure that both of you are getting what you want out of sex.
After you've had your fun, you'll find yourself relaxed, open, and connected to your wife. Ask her about how the sex was, and be a man when she tells you. There are probably things that she wants you're not doing, or things she used to like she no longer does. Find out what those are and try to adjust your technique accordingly. If this sounds like some kind of sexual martyrdom, don't worry. If you prove you're willing to adapt to her needs, any woman worth marrying will reciprocate happily.
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.