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Beards Doing Things At Fun Fun Fun Fest

A beard looking forward through time at American cities trampled under foot by President Bieber.
A beard looking forward through time at American cities trampled under foot by President Bieber.
Photos by Marco Torres

The last few years at FFFF it was moustaches that were ruling the roost on the faces of men and hipster boys at the music festival. Even some girls were sporting them, albeit fake ones. This year the long and lustrous beard made its appearance, with some fellas sporting inches and inches of growth, in direct defiance of the razor and shaving cream industry.

With a body covered in tattoos, a Hitler Youth haircut, and a glorious beard, one can get anyone and anything at a festival like FFFF. A golden ticket into realms of untold luxury, with harems filled with buxom girls that look like Christy Mack, where there are rivers of craft beer and tacos appear in your hand with the ease of a wish.

We chronicled the beards of FFFF this year to give some of you afraid to take the hirsute plunge a bit of motivation. Come on, work will understand if you don't shave for six months. And if they don't? Well, do you really wanna work with a bunch of dicks like that?

A forlorn beard onstage with his band, in deep aural concentration. Dude, I bet he smells bad. Like when you leave your gym clothes in the car on a hot afternoon and the funk steams up the windows.
A forlorn beard onstage with his band, in deep aural concentration. Dude, I bet he smells bad. Like when you leave your gym clothes in the car on a hot afternoon and the funk steams up the windows.
The best beard is a happy beard, especially with a horse head on a stick.
The best beard is a happy beard, especially with a horse head on a stick.
Two beards standing abreast of some non-bearded friends in solidarity, wishing that they could spontaneously sprout denim beards to complete their wardrobe.
Two beards standing abreast of some non-bearded friends in solidarity, wishing that they could spontaneously sprout denim beards to complete their wardrobe.
A beard playing the greatest hits of the past 25 years during one long cacophonous mash of sweat, boobies, and bro-ass.
A beard playing the greatest hits of the past 25 years during one long cacophonous mash of sweat, boobies, and bro-ass.
Some beards, but not all, can make energy shoot out of their hands at will. Here we see a beard charging the phones of nearby festival goers by merely thinking kind thoughts.
Some beards, but not all, can make energy shoot out of their hands at will. Here we see a beard charging the phones of nearby festival goers by merely thinking kind thoughts.
A beard merely hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
A beard merely hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

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