Breaking Dawn: 6 Things We're Hoping Get Us Through the Next Twilight Flick

Breaking Dawn: 6 Things We're Hoping Get Us Through the Next Twilight Flick
Do you think it's a coincidence that this looks kind of like a toilet flushing?

Next week we'll see the release of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1, the beginning of the end of this madness. The Wife With One F has hauled us kicking and screaming to every film thus far, and we're a little miffed that the studio has dragged this out for two final films, meaning we'll have to do this again next November. We don't care how many pages the book is, we've seen it and the type is like 14 point double spaced. We're not talking Atlas Shrugged here. You could've got it in one.

Wasting a rare night out on this thinly veiled analogy for homosexuality being cured by finding the right girl crap mountain of a movie seems like a sin to us, but it's the tradeoff to being married to a girl who insists you watch the entire run of Doctor Who and reads Neil Gaiman. Still, there are some things we can think of that will make the experience bearable.

6. We'll Be Drunk
This will cover about half the film.
This will cover about half the film.
Silar

No other moviegoing convention has excited us more in recent years than the rise of bars in cinemas. Why this took so long to happen we will never know. It's not that we're a raging alcoholic that can't sit through a 90-minute period without a drink, it's just that some films really need booze to be appreciated...or survived, in this case.

We'll have to go to Alamo Drafthouse to catch the show since most of the in-town theaters that serve alcohol stick to art house films, but it's not that far, and sometimes you can still get a fairly good meal out of them, though that's been rarer lately.

We do most of the driving in our relationship since we have a better sense of direction and better eyesight, but not this time. Part of the deal in forcing us to see this film is a waiver on the drink limit, so bring on the stupid vampire baby storyline because we're not going to be feeling any pain.

5. They Really Are Very Pretty Films
Move, you!
Move, you!

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We've spent our whole lives in Houston, and as much as we love the city, you have to admit that as far as landscapes go this part of Texas is pretty damned boring. It looks like what it is: herd land with some rivers.

While almost everything that's happening in the shots is eye-rollingly dumb, we have always really enjoyed what the cinematographers have accomplished with the films' settings. The icy mountains of Eclipse are our particular favorite, though the red moon hue given to all the New Moon shots was also pretty good. In our heads the woodland shots are narrated by David Attenborough, so that helps as well. It tends to drown out the dialogue and the wailing of our soul.

4. Mmmm...Ashley Greene
This one may sparkle all she damn well pleases.
This one may sparkle all she damn well pleases.

Alice Cullen is the quirky one in the Cullen vampire family. In Breakfast Club terms she's the Alliso... oh, we see what you did there, Stephenie. Well played.

Alice, and occasionally her boyfriend Jasper, are about the only characters you can even remotely find likeable in the films, though Jasper spends most of the first two being rather ridiculous. You walk around all day in a high school filled with menstruating girls and Bella lightly cutting her hand turns you into a homicidal maniac?

Anyway, back to Alice, who could win anyone over with her perky personality and the fact that she is portrayed by the increasingly hot Ashley Greene. She's Bella's best friend in the series, so she gets comparatively a lot of screen time and it helps the filmgoing experience very muchly. Especially next to Kristen Stewart, but then again...

 

3. Kristen Stewart Has Kind of Grown on Us
Breaking Dawn: 6 Things We're Hoping Get Us Through the Next Twilight Flick

Giving anyone a hard time about their performance in the Twilight films is sort of like picking on a colorblind person for their mismatched outfits; there is only so much you can do with what you're given. You just can't objectively evaluate the actors in these films because turning the Twilight books into something palatable probably requires both alchemy and Jesus, and even then we bet you'd need a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick as a catalyst.

All we've seen Kristen Stewart in besides Twilight is her portrayal of Joan Jett in The Runaways. While we gave the film low marks because Lita Ford got almost no screen time in it, the film did prove to us that Stewart is actually capable of turning in some good work, and can even come across kind of likeable once she stops looking like she's cleaning a bodily fluid from between her teeth with the tongue. Hopefully, some of the goodwill we associated with The Runaways will carry over.

Bonus for when we do this again next year, we'll get to see both Stewart and Dakota Fanning as vampires in a scene together, which after watching the two rock and roll around in bed together when Fanning played Cherie Currie in The Runaways is actually writing a pretty awesome crossover film in our heads.

2. The Soundtracks Have Actually Been Pretty Good
Death Cab for CutieEXPAND
Death Cab for Cutie

Most of the Twilight films come across as a series of music videos with a little dialogue thrown in for good measure. Yes, most of the cuts from the film soundtracks are annoyingly emo, but that doesn't mean we can't appreciate well-crafted music when we hear it.

New Moon, for example, had a fantastic soundtrack. We still listen to it today, especially Death Cab for Cutie's "Meet Me on the Equinox." We could do without all the Muse, as we're pretty sure the band exhausted all their awesomeness on "Knights of Cydonia" and nobody has had the heart to tell them, but their work is still listenable. Even catchy on occasion.

And that's just the rock cuts. The incidental music by Carter Burwell is also very above-par. Looking back over his filmography, we realize now that Burwell should really have a lot more awards under his belt. He's at least as good as Alan Silvestri, who people simply won't stop talking about.

1. There Will be a Riff Trax
Everything's going to be ok.
Everything's going to be ok.

Riff Trax, for those of you who might have missed the memo, are the modern work of the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 crew. For a very reasonable download fee, you can get an MP3 track to accompany modern movies like X-Men, Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings. Synching them up can be a bit difficult until you get the hang of it, but trust us, it's worth every second.

None are funnier than the ones that have been released for the Twilight films. The movies lend themselves pretty well to mockery just at the amateur level, but having masters take this unfathomable cultural phenomenon apart with the razor wit is a complete laugh riot.

Our dream is that one day studios will realize how awesome this process is and they'll offer Riff Trax as commentaries on their regular releases. Everyone would win. In the meantime, we'll just grit our teeth and wonder what hilariousness will result when we're forced to buy the DVD in about six months.


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