Bret Michaels Broke Up Your Parents' Marriage? Could Be Worse.
The reason Miley Cyrus' parents are splitting after 17 years of marriage: Mom Tish had an affair with rocker Bret Michaels, reports the new Us Weekly.
When Billy Ray learned of it - as well as at least one other fling - he filed for divorce Oct. 27, sources tell Us Weekly.
Michaels, 47, "became close to the entire family" this past February when he and Miley released the racy duet "Nothing to Lose," an insider tells Us Weekly.
He and Tish, 43, soon began carrying on an on-the-sly romance.
Like Sampson, Billy Ray lost all his power over women when his glorious mullet was shorn. Or so it would seem.
Michaels' camp is denying the whole, er, "affair." Apparently this kind of sordid gossip is an outrage, sullying the image of the rocker right at the outset of his new VH1 reality show, Life As I Know It, which shows Michaels the Family Man raising his two daughters.
Presumably the publicity would have been just fine for his other reality show, Rock of Love, which showed Michaels the Poon Hound hustling every pair of fake boobs from Santa Barbara to St. Louis.
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But far be it from me to get caught up in such unpleasantness, especially when there are much more important questions to consider. For example, what effect has the (alleged) affair had on Miley? Did he ever take off the bandanna? And finally, what musician would be more embarrassing for your mother to have an affair with than Bret Michaels?
Allow me to offer a few suggestions.
Gene Simmons I admit, back in 1976 I prayed for Mom to dump my dad and marry the God of Thunder, never imagining the psychological trauma that unholy union likely would've wreaked upon my family. Now, of course, he might actually be a pretty stable familial presence, except for that whole "slept with 4,600 women thing."
Fred Durst What was the total time span of the non-laughable part of Fred's career? Four months? Six? That summer of 1999 -- before Limp Bizkit's grotesque Woodstock performance -- might...might have been the only time a potential maternal fling with Durst might not have made you want to jam bamboo shoots under your fingernails.
Biz Markie The Diabolical Biz gains much-needed access to Miley's trust fund, while she'd be left with permanent mental scars from hearing him bellow "You got what I neeeeed!" from the conjugal bedroom, no matter how many pillows she piled over her head to block out the noise.
Steven Tyler Probably worse for Miley than the thought of this dessicated Imhotep rubbing his arthritic claws against Mom every night would be the dawning realization that he really had his rheumy eyes set on her. He's been looking for someone to replace Alicia Silverstone in those videos, after all.
Varg Vikernes Country music might often be associated with right-wing themes, but Billy Ray singing about "storms in the heartland" pales next to a guy who sets fire to churches and preaches a peculiar brand of neo-Nazi Nordic paganism. Hell, he probably wouldn't even be welcome at the CMAs.
Bonus: Rip Taylor Not a musician, but do you think he does that thing with the confetti when he has sex? Christ, I bet he does.
Bad as that is for a career, try being the poor bastard whose only job is to hand Rip his "sparkly sticks."
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