In his new show currently on tour, The Angry Pursuit of Happiness, hard-funny comedian Christopher Titus has some good news for Texas gun owners: "I can prove that the government is not going to take your guns. In three easy steps, I can prove it. The government can never come and take your guns because...you have guns. That's step number one."
Titus says when he stands on stage and tells that bit, he can see as it dawns on people, 'Hey, that's right.' "I see these big Bubbas and I tell that joke and watch as their face changes, like a light bulb goes off in their head.
"And Texas doesn't have little peashooter guns. It's not a big dueling state, I guess. But I never understood the guy with 30 guys. Even if you Scarface-up you can only use two at a time. What does he do? Bang, bang, bang, bang, click. 'Oops, give me a minute, let me go get some more guns.' Really?
"Actually, I think we just need to do Armageddon Day. Take a day with no rules; it'll be like when Detroit wins a championship - just bullets and fire."
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Health scares are also a topic of discussion in his new show. "I'm convinced somebody's decided there are too many people in the world and Ebola is their form of population control. They can't teach us to save the planet and not be stupid, so what they decided to do was just kill a lot of the sheep.
"And Houston's totally fine with getting rid of Dallas, right? Kill off the Cowboys, it's okay."
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Kids are a big topic for Titus these days, as well. "I'm really focused on my kids right now. I have a ten-year-old and a 13-year-old. One of them has hormones pounding through them, and the other one is a raging idiot. Their mom damages them one week, and I damage them the next week. Really, all I'm doing right now is getting my kids ready for therapy.
"They have a stepmom, and she's totally different from their mother. Their mom is 5'2"; my new wife is 5'11". Their stepmom is a model -- she's been in Vanity Fair -- and their mom...has not. There's this super-villain, their mom, who hates everything that their stepmom does. I'm basically in a constant struggle between good and evil, fighting for my children's souls. That's pretty much how parenting is working out for me. I'm finding the funny in that right now."
Titus admits he never should have married his first wife. "My new wife asked me, 'When did you know it was starting to go wrong?' And I said that I noticed at the end that she was always getting mad at me. But then I kept talking and I tracked it back to our first date. There were red flags on our first date, but I kept going because, hey, I'm gonna save her. My mom was crazy so for some reason I think I can help crazy. You can't help crazy."
8 p.m. Thursday; 8 and 10:30 p.m. Friday; 7 and 9:30 p.m. Saturday; and 7:30 p.m. Sunday. Improv Houston, 7620 Katy Freeway. For information, call 713‑333‑8800 or visit houston.improv.com. $22 to $35.