My whole life I have known a few things, things that remained as constants to keep me sane:
1. Van Halen, not Van Hagar.
2. The only good Hot Pockets are the pepperoni kind.
3. Keep your finger off the trigger until you are ready to fire.
Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman are the only celebrity couple in the world that makes sense, consisting of two people who seem to have been literally made for one another.
But today, the world discovered that they are splitting up after 30 years, as if that's even an option. As a friend said today upon hearing the news, "Are you even allowed to divorce after 30 years? At some point, you're in, and that's it," he wrote.
"I feel like they are overestimating the number of 'other fish in the sea' thing," said another.
I agree, somewhat selfishly. There were plenty of times my parents could have chucked it in, and they have been together longer than DeVito and Perlman, but then again my parentals aren't giggly, elfin comedic masters.
Just looking at DeVito and Perlman proved there is someone for fucking everyone, and their relationship was really one of the few standing in Hollywood that seemed unfettered by celebrity.
I would be almost equally sad if Mary Steenburgen and Ted Danson split up, too. Earlier this year the world was rocked by the Amy Poehler and Will Arnett marriage breakup. That hurt, but they are also a part of a generation that has as many failed marriages as pairs of Toms.
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What could DeVito and Perlman have done to each other to bring this on? Surely DeVito was screwing around on Perlman, and likewise. What, was DeVito bagging chicks from his Always Sunny... gig? Did a handsome pool boy come on to Perlman, who just couldn't resist.
DeVito is 67, and Perlman is 64. The thought of giving up this close to the finish line seems silly, uncouth, wrong.
But maybe it was just a case of two people deeply in love, finding themselves not a team against the world anymore, but two passing ships in the night with different courses and ports of call.
That's the most depressing part of this news. Not that a cute, tiny couple is parting ways, but that it could happen to all of us, and no amount of money or time can stop it.