Dear Facebook Friends: Stop Asking Me to Prove Myself

Seriously, this is not how either of us should spend our time.
Seriously, this is not how either of us should spend our time.

Facebook can be a complicated place. There are relatives who may not like your choice of posts, friends from high school whose political ideologies are diametrically opposed to your own, incessant invitations to events you don't want to attend and, of course, an overdose of TMI. Hell, I used to wish like five people a happy birthday and now, with reminders, I'm supposed to be responsible for wishing 800?

But the latest annoyance on the social media network comes in the form of a demand letter of sorts. It reads something like this:

I am very selective when it comes to befriending friends and family, that's why I don't have many on Facebook, but I'm doing this once and once only, so now's your chance.........It occurs to me that for each and every one of you on my friends list, I catch myself looking at your pictures, sharing jokes and news, as well as support during good and bad times. I am also happy to have you among my friends. We will see who will take the time to read this message until the end....... If you appreciate your friends and family from all over the world, copy this into your status, even if it's just for a minute. I'm going to be watching to see who takes care of the friendship, just like me. Thank you all for being a part of my life. Copy and paste this. DON'T SHARE!! If no one reads my wall, this should be a very short experiment. So, if you read this, leave one word as to how we met. Only ONE word, then copy & paste this to your wall so I can leave a word for you.

I've seen this posted over and over again on the walls of friends, and people, the nightmare has got to stop. If we are friends, it is likely I have proven this to you already, probably time and time again, certainly enough that I shouldn't have to do so via Facebook. But for the purposes of indulging you for a moment, let me explain why based on the request itself.

Upcoming Events

I am very selective when it comes to befriending friends and family. That's why I don't have many on Facebook, but I'm doing this once and once only, so now's your chance.

I have seen this posted on the walls of people with several hundred "friends." You can't possibly be THAT selective. And you can't befriend family anyway. You are stuck with them. You don't have to follow them on Facebook, but that's your business.

Also, what's with the attitude? "I'm doing this once and only once" sounds like my 11th-grade chemistry teacher going over a complicated formula that I would never be able to grasp. It is likely that YOU added ME on here, and now you're going to get pushy?

It occurs to me that for each and every one of you on my friends list, I catch myself looking at your pictures, sharing jokes and news, as well as support during good and bad times.

Surveys have revealed that the number one reason men visit Facebook is to look at pictures of women they know and the number two reason is to look at pictures of women they don't know. So, let's not be naive about the whole "support during good and bad times." A sad-face comment on a post about losing my job doesn't really qualify as "support." It's the digital equivalent of saying "That sucks" when I tell you in person.

I am also happy to have you among my friends. We will see who will take the time to read this message until the end.

Here it comes...the ultimatum.

If you appreciate your friends and family from all over the world, copy this into your status, even if it's just for a minute. I'm going to be watching to see who takes care of the friendship, just like me. Copy and paste this. DON'T SHARE!!

This is both annoying and a little creepy. I have to paste this on my wall while you watch me do it to make sure I'm being a good friend. How in the hell does this prove anything other than that I have way too much time on my hands? And this whole thing about not sharing as if copying and pasting the message — that extra two steps — somehow defines my true feelings for you. I mean, I did do ALL that extra work.

So, if you read this, leave one word as to how we met. Only ONE word, then copy & paste this to your wall so I can leave a word for you.

Increasingly, for me, that one word would be "online," which is not really something either of us wants me to admit. It sounds weird, and if you do the same, we both sound like giant dorks. You know how we first met. I know. We don't need to announce it to the world, especially if we can only use one word. What if the word is "funeral?" I have a couple of friends who were twins or triplets. They would say "uterus." Gross.

The moral of the story here, "friend," is that neither one of us needs the kind of pressure a post like this puts on either of us. We are adults with better things to do. For example, you can go back to playing Candy Crush and I can go back to ignoring your requests for me to play Candy Crush with you. 


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