Drop Everything, Kate Middleton Is Pregnant
I'm sorry I ever doubted you, In Touch Magazine.
Well, it's official. The entire country of England collectively smiled politely at each other over the biggest news to hit the motherland since Paul McCartney announced he was getting married again, again -- Kate Middleton is pregs.
This news doesn't come as too much of a shock. For one, it's been speculated about since before she and Prince William were even dating, and for two, she weighs 15 pounds so even gaining an ounce in the middle region is going to look baby bumpish.
The news broke yesterday when the royal duo had to go to the hospital because Middleton was having morning sickness. Apparently she had morning sickness for several days. So, she can't stomach a little pregnancy illness without going to ER? How Princess and the Pea of her?
While this revelation is delightful (I don't actually care), what is even more glorious is the news coverage that it's getting. The New York Daily News was so gung ho and in need of filler information, they interviewed random British people in New York to get their opinions on the subject. Wonderfully, they found one Brit living in Manhattan from whom they were able to glean the perfect quote of "It's exciting."
Well, calm down over there, buddy.
Diane Sawyer over at ABC News described the news of the Prince and Duchess fornicating as the news out of England "that rocketed around the world." Whoever the ABC newswriters are, they sure do love hyperbole. And then Sawyer cried herself to sleep over the mind-numbing turn American journalism has taken.
The Hollywood Gossip site, a credible news source, decided that they would approach the news by sharing celebrities' Twitter reactions because there's nothing more thrilling than reading about what celebrities think about other celebrities. It's even more effective to quote celebrities who have insightful comments to make, such as Kim Kardashian's "Aww so cute," which is pure speculation because not all babies are attractive.
And then there was Chrissy Teigen's profound statement: "AWWWW DUCHESS KATE AWWWWWWW SERIOUS AWWWWWWWW I'm not joking I'm seriously happy ew wtf." I will admit I had to Google -- not what she was saying but who the hell she is.
Perez Hilton was classy enough to post this picture of the royal lady, but made up for it by offering the most sincere "congratz to the max!!!"
Fashion blog whatkatewore.com was kind enough to feature maternity fashions worthy of a princess. However, they prefaced their fashion showcase with "if things go well for Kate and the baby." Did you just insinuate that things might not go well, whatkatewore.com? Eww.
But I think my favorite coverage thus far is the NYTimes Parenting Blog, which chose to highlight Kate's hyperemesis gravidarum, a.k.a. really bad morning sickness, by reminding readers of an article written more than 13 years ago in The New Yorker, of all places, about a woman who kept barfing right through till the end of her pregnancy. Thanks, New York Times, for making people feel bad not just about pregnancy but also the fact that we don't read highbrow periodicals enough to be aware of this situation.
If this news is anything like the royal wedding, expect the Today Show to cut a new "special episode of the Today Show" opening sequence that they will play for the next nine months.
Get the Theater and Arts Newsletter
Exclusive discounts and announcements to Houston theater shows and art events