Film director Danny Boyle is producing this Summer Olympics' opening ceremony in London; odds are he'll dazzle and puzzle viewers in equal parts.
The filmmaker, known for such diverse fare as Trainspotting, 28 Days Later and Slumdog Millionaire, isn't the first person we would have pegged to produce the opening of such a historical and historically stodgy event.
Past Olympic ceremonies have been helmed by Zhang Yimou and Dimitris Papaioannou, and most ceremonies have looked like Super Bowl halftime shows, but with fewer Doritos. They have to play to an international audience, after all. Madonna can't be flashing her old titty around these parts.
Yes, Boyle is expected to do a decent job, what without including junkies or zombies, but this means that other filmmakers should get their chance to do the Olympics. The next summer games aren't until 2016 when the games head to exotic erotic, thong-wearing Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. The next one is in 2020, with Istanbul, Tokyo, Japan, and Madrid currently making their plays for hosting honors.
The most dear, precious, Instagram-lookin' two hours of cutesy crap you can imagine. A hot French girl plays the fiddle in the middle of the arena while the Wilson brothers (and even Andrew) narrate a tale of an aspiring Olympian played by Dakota Fanning, who just happens to be coached by none other than Bill Murray. Crowd members and the folks are to wear sepia-toned glasses that you can pick up at Urban Outfitters with the purchase of an Olympics headband. Hipsters are divided on what it all means and take to Tumblr to express their confusion.
A beating heart lies in an unoccupied seat in the stadium. Suddenly, a woman -- Naomi Watts maybe -- shrieks in terror while John Goodman in a devil's costume throws money at her in a snake pit. A dour, fatigue-clad Philip Seymour Hoffman arrives in an army tank accompanied by 20 dwarf clowns and recites poetry while the dwarves eviscerate themselves with swords.
Nicolas Cage plays Mr. Olympus, a detective from the lost city of Atlantis with a bitchy ex-wife. It's his job to make sure that bad guy Gary Oldman doesn't blow up the arena and the surrounding Olympic village. Will he save the day and crack the code? Only with the help of his sidekick John Cho, a computer programmer. Did I mention that Linkin Park plays live the whole time? They wrote three hours of music JUST for this event.
Joel & Ethan Coen
A ragtag crew of criminals wakes up floating in the Olympic swimming pool in the arena, and all they know is that something has gone horribly wrong, but on the other hand, there is a newborn baby boy in a bassinet in the middle of the arena. Oh, and the opening ceremony is set during the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, so they are all wearing Hammer pants. Even the baby! The crew -- led by stoner Michael Shannon -- has to stay one step ahead of the law, a Barcelona city cop played by Sacha Baron Cohen.
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I won't go into too much gory detail -- okay, I will -- but the Human Centipede director fashions the five Olympic rings out of chains of people attached ass to mouth, just like in his signature film. Lindsay Lohan is there, too, for some reason. Told you it was graphic and weird.