Sometimes (every day) I daydream about what it would be like to have piles of money and access to more designer clothes and makeup than I could ever possibly wear in one lifetime. This habit is kind of hilarious, when you consider I hardly wear any of the piles of clothes in my own closet, instead rotating the same few dresses and jeans/tops combo for my day-to-day, work-from-home life.
If I were living a life of endless photograph-able opportunities, I like to think I'd really go crazy, mixing it up all the time and trying cool new things. After all, I wouldn't have to make decisions (stylists!) or go shopping (personal shoppers!) or do my own hair or makeup; if people were just handing me things, I would try out new stuff all the time. So why do so many beautiful women in Hollywood always look kind of ... the same?
All of these ladies always look great, but I want all of them to go totally bonkers and wear something different. Let's play Dress Up the Rich Celebrity!
Oh, hello there bangs, and dresses with tights, and fringe-y cat eye. It's you. Again. I love Zooey Deschanel, okay? Even when a Dallas-Fort Worth Fox affliliate's closed captioning system named her as the Boston marathon bombing suspect, I was like--that's cool, she's still real funny and sweet. And then even after she wasn't the Boston marathon bombing suspect, I was like--what a relief, New Girl won't be cancelled, WHEW!
But she's so twee and it's getting kind of grating. We get the whole thrift store-chic thing she's got going, and her cutie-hipster vibe seems authentic enough but does she always have to practice the same variation on the theme? How about no bangs, or a sleek column gown, or a--bite my tongue!--jumpsuit? Anything to make her look just a little more modern!
At the recent Met Gala Zooey did brush her bangs back from her face for a minute (and we hardly recognized her as a result), but the seersucker gown was just a question mark. Be sexy, Zooey--because you are.
All black, all the time! It's really not a surprise that as Rachel on Friends Aniston's character worked at Ralph Lauren. That's really Aniston's vibe: classic American girl, minimal hair and makeup (though it takes a lot of makeup to get the no-makeup look so flawlessly), and even more minimal accessories. She's Lauren, she's Hilfiger, she's ... Aveeno and Smart Water. Oh god, even her endorsements are boring.
Right now Jennifer has been playing with waistlines, mostly (it seems) in an effort to amuse herself at the continued pregnancy rumors that surround her. I approve of that, even if all of the waistlines are IN BLACK.
I can't be the only one who thinks that Sofia looks like a real-life Jessica Rabbit, right? She always looks like she's been poured into everything she wears, and she looks amazing. We should not like her for this but instead, because she is hilarious and intelligent and a cancer survivor/awareness-raiser, we adore her all the more. I just want to see her in something--anything--other than a fitted, fish-tailed dress on a red carpet.
Vergara has spoken in interviews about how difficult her figure is to dress--no doubt, with that many curves it's a challenge, even if they are all in the right place--but how awesome would it be to see her in jeans, a crisp white button-down, and some cute ballet flats? Every once in a while she comes close (never a flat, always a sky-high platform or stiletto) and the juxtaposition of her overpowering beauty with relaxed, effortless clothes is kind of breathtaking.
YOU ARE NOT A DISNEY PRINCESS! YOU ARE NOT A BUTTERFLY! YOU ARE A GROWNDAMNWOMAN WITH A HUSBAND AND TWINS.
Except your husband is perfectly willing to dress up as Prince Charming and go along with your insane 5-year anniversary vow renewal at the Sleeping Beauty's Castle.
I seriously just can't. I don't find anything about Mariah's diva attitude insufferable--she's a legit diva, after all--but her insistence on referencing a 6-year-old's version of elegance (read: tea party with your stuffed animals) at the age of 43 is starting to go from annoying to disturbing. The whole thing gave me cavities.
At 43 a real diva should drop the fantasy act and get real about it. Still into princesses? Try a grown-up version from Vivienne Westwood or Marchesa.
Lena Dunham is the honeybadger of fashion right now: she doesn't give a shit. Ever. Now I'm not going to pretend that a gal with a regular figure is going to have an easy time of it, selecting garments from couture designers. However. Dunham is seriously pretty, and has a great, curvy figure AND long legs that look amazing in skinny pants--there are a lot of skinny girls who would kill for that.
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Whether you are a fan of Dunham's breakout show Girls or not (I'm a convert, after watching many, non-sequential episodes on various flights over the last six months) you have to admire the hard work and success that goes into writing, producing, directing, and starring in your own show ... at 25 years old. When I was twenty five I was a bartender who couldn't reach the top shelf.
I want Dunham to look as awesome as she is, but her outfits range from just-off to totally ill-fitting. Please, someone -- grab this girl and dress her in the amazing clothes she deserves. Anyone who can be naked that often on-screen deserves to look her very best off-screen.
Honorable Mention: Anne Hathaway
No, I didn't stuff Anne onto the list with an honorable mention just so I could point out that I was name checked in the New York Post by Andrea Peyser on my "pathetic hatred of Anne Hathaway." I put Anne on the list because she flopped big-time at the Oscars, and ... no, you're right. I did put Anne on the list to mention I was name checked in the New York Post! BOOM! Anne looked awesome at the Met Gala the other night and proved that the Oscars were a total fluke. Just when you wondered if you were going to get sick of that pixie cut on her, she up and bleaches it blond. Nicely done, Anne. You are awesomeness. When you aren't giving speeches, anyway.