Five More Real-Life Candidates For Mortal Kombat
Honestly, when we penned part one of this article we thought we'd have to struggle to come up with five people who would fit in the weird and violent world that is Mortal Kombat. Just a few hours on the internet though has shown us that the world is so chocked-full of bizarre badassery that we're surprised every day doesn't end with a battle to the death.
If the makers of Mortal Kombat are reading this, you now have a 10-person roster for a fighting game that will eclipse all others. Please mail the check c/o Houston Press along with the naked pictures of Mileena we know for a fact you have.
Speaking of which...
MARIA JOSE CRISTERNA
Cristerna, a 35-year-old Mexican tattoo artist and mother of four, suffered years of domestic abuse. As a means of reinventing herself she became a vampire. We don't mean she became one of those "vampyres" that leave angry comments on our True Blood music reviews. She's no pale, ethereal beauty whose lust for blood is matched only by her melancholy immortality. Nope, Cristerna enabled her transformation through tattoos, filed fangs, and titanium horns implanted in her freaking skull. The implants were done without anesthetic as a gesture of strength. By comparison, Art Attack defaulted on a deadline once because we were afraid of the spider sitting on our laptop.
We find it significant that no one seems to have interviewed whoever was mind-numbingly stupid enough to hit this woman. We suspect they're a bowel movement in a Mexican tattoo parlor bathroom.
Fatality: We're thinking she could bite off their arm and beat them to death with the wet end. Just seems to sum her up.
ABIGAIL AND BRITTANY HENSEL
Abby and Brittany are the famous two-head girl that have made the round of health shows over the last several years. They are, of course, not two-headed, but are instead conjoined twins fused at the torso. Each controls her half of the body, each has her own heart, lungs, and stomach, though many of the lower organs are shared such as the liver.
The girls' maintain a private life, so we don't have any evidence of them murdering sharks or learning kung fu. However, their very existence as fully-adult dicephalic twins is testament to their toughness. Only four sets of conjoined twins sharing a single torso have survived into adulthood. However, Abby and Brittany have not only survived, but mastered the cooperation needed to drive, play piano, and type. If they would only harness their double attention span, we're convinced they'd be unstoppable.
Aron Ralston was a mountain climber who ended up trapped with his arm under a boulder in 2003. Not one to give up his life easily, Ralston hacked off his own arm at the elbow with a dull pocket knife to free himself. With one arm he repelled down a 65-foot cliff and hiked eight miles to civilization.
Since then, he's kept mountain climbing by having a specialized climbing ax built as a prosthetic. If you want him to come to your company meeting and make all your employees feel like worthless two-armed layabouts he'll gladly do it for $25,000. Oh, and we forgot that Danny Boyle made a movie based on his autobiography.
Fatality: One question," Where do I stick my ax?"
CAPTAIN SIGURDUR PETURSSON
His name may be Petursson, but he answers to Iceman. We'd mock his nickname, but he's captain of a trawler named Erik the Red which means he can find us, will kill us, and what's that noise!?
Iceman was watching his crew gather up a catch of fish in Greenland back in 2003 when he noticed a 300 kg shark swimming towards them. For those who don't do the metric, think about a Smart Car made of knives and hate. Petersson didn't even bother to shout out a warning. He just waded into the sea, grabbed the shark by the tail, hauled it on land, and stabbed it to death with his pocket knife.
They say man only has two instinctive fears, fire and loud noises. However, if you throw a baby into a shark tank, which we try never to do if we can help it, you will see fear in those eyes. Not in the eyes of the Iceman, though.
Fatality: Petursson picks you up by the throat, and with a mighty heave hurls you out to sea where the sharks finish the job if they know what's good for them.
If there is any world leader who deserves to be in a Mortal Kombat game other than Teddy Roosevelt then it is Vladimir Putin. When wildfires break out in Russia, Putin doesn't issue a state of emergency. He doesn't cry for the camera... or ever. No, he goes out and fights fire with helicopters. For some reason that just seems like the most perfect sum up of Russia ever.
He once went to inspect a trapped tiger, and when it freed itself he put it down personally with a tranquilizer dart. He's also taken on whales and polar bears.
What badass thing hasn't Putin done and done with style? He was head of the Russian secret service, knows judo, can hit anything with a crossbow, and according to President George Bush's autobiography he has the biggest wang of any world leader. There's a reason the man gets his own day on the Cheezeburger Network every week.
Fatality: There are some who accuse Putin of killing an ex-spy with long distance radiation poisoning. Soooo... we're go with the nuclear fireball to the noggin.
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