Five Public Statue Suggestions for Five American Cities
Despite being the most well-thought out and perfect idea ever conceived, Mayor Dave Bing of Detroit turned down a Twittered suggestion that Detroit erect a statue of Robocop to compete with the statue of Rocky Balboa in Philadelphia. Though we're nowhere near the motor city, we have to admit that we find this decision hasty, ignorant, and sucking much ass. Robocop symbolizes everything that Detroit stands for! He is a model of American engineering prowess and all his biological needs are met by eating a kind of paste. Just like Detroit.
OK, that second one has nothing to do with the city, but Detroit's still missing out on a great opportunity...one that got Art Attack thinking about other great fictional characters and the cities they might represent.
NEW YORK CITY - SPIDER-MAN The difference between Marvel and DC comics is that DC comics tend to use fictional American cities and Marvel tends to use actual American cities. New York is home to a great number of iconic Marvel heroes, including Daredevil and the Fantastic Four, but the one that's most embodied the city has always been Spider-Man. Peter Parker is an artist, symbolizing the cultural center that is the Big Apple. He's a victim of crime as the continued stereotype tells us is typical of the city. He's quippy and sarcastic, but deep down he's courageous and has a sense of duty. It really wouldn't take any effort at all to add Spidey to the side of the Empire State Building, getting ready to swing down for a bit of daring-do with a side of snappy comeback.
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CHICAGO - AL BUNDY In these tough economic times, it comes as something of a surprise to us that America hasn't re-embraced television's most Bundyful down-on-their-luck family and their cursed patriarch Al Bundy. Stuck in a job he hates, supporting a family he hates in a city he hates, Bundy is the American antithesis to Barack Obama, showing the other, poorer side of Chicago. This duality could be perfectly expressed by adding a statue of Bundy, head-down in a weary sigh at the end of a long day, selling shoes to mean, fat women at the famous Buckingham Fountain that featured so prominently in the Married...With Children opening.
ALBUQUERQUE - BUGS BUNNY Aside from "What's up, Doc?" and "Ain't I a stinker?" Bugs Bunny's most famous line is his oft-repeated lament that he should have turned left at Albuquerque upon appearing to be lost. It's should be pointed out that the first time he uttered this catchphrase was in Herr Meets Hare, where Bugs ends up in Nazi Germany for a face-to-face battle of wits with Hermann Goering. Can't remember the last time we had a light-hearted romp through the Holocaust. Bugs was actually trying to get to Las Vegas, which is why Albuquerque should erect a statue of Bugs in the center of the city with a helpful sign pointing the way from a city known for hot air balloons to one known for showgirls and going home broke.
DALLAS - J. R. EWING We're not trying to poke fun at our sister to the north by suggesting she's best represented by a heartless, womanizing robber-baron. Not at all. However, it's hard to appreciate just how popular the show Dallas was and remains until you leave the country. Tell people in Europe that you're from Texas and they'll think of two things; Cowboy hats and Dallas...so really they just think of J. R. Ewing. It's seriously that popular. So it's just a happy coincidence that Dallas should be graced by a monolith to douchebaggery, especially since Houston's getting...
HOUSTON - CHUCK NORRIS "Bullshit," you cry, dumbassedly thinking we can hear you yelling at the screen. "Chuck Norris is a real person, not a work of fiction."
Well, he certainly started out that way, just as a martial artist and actor, but no one who's spent any time on the internet can argue that ol' Chuck has morphed from being a mere mortal into an unstoppable force of roundhouse kicks. And why do we get him? Well, the thing he's most famous for, besides having his beard worshipped on the internet, is the show Walker, Texas Ranger. Technically, any city in Texas can claim Norris off of that, but we have an ace in the hole. Namely, his film Sidekicks was filmed here. For those of you who didn't see it, picture Drop Dead Fred with violence in the story of a weak, asthmatic high school student who conjures up an image of his hero Chuck Norris to help him survive bullying, resulting in the best imaginary friend ever. Mayor Parker? We humbly request his most holy visage at the Waterwall, preferably made from the remains of other statues.
Editor's Note: It's funny, our friends at the Denver Westword had the same idea for a post. Check it out here.
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