Five Real-Life Candidates for Mortal Kombat

Dennis Avner
Dennis Avner

This month will net us the reboot of the famous Mortal Kombat video games series. Speaking as someone who was in middle school when Mortal Monday happened, we cannot help but be excited to see the old blood fountain take a shot at rewriting its own history.

Back in the day, you had real life actors portraying the kombatants. That particular effect wasn't very special, but it did lend some cachet to ripping off a person's head. Those body scans have now been replaced with more versatile computer generated images. That's too bad because Art Attack can name at least five people right off the top of our head who would be fantastic to scan and brutalize with.

1. DENNIS AVNER

Dennis Avner is a former Navy sonar technician of Native American descent. One day he had a conversation with a Native chief who told him to follow the way of the tiger, Avner's personal totem.

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Avner then began what is now acknowledged as the world's most extensive body modification and took the name Stalking Tiger In addition to the full body tiger stripe tattoos, Avner sports teeth filed to points, whiskers, implants to make his face more resemble a feline, and pointed ears. Whenever possible, Avner prefers to hunt his own meat - eating it raw three times a day, and is an accomplished archer.

Interestingly enough, a character almost exactly like Avner was almost included in Mortal Kombat II. The sub-boss that eventually became Kintaro started out life as a tiger warrior.

Fatality: All that fighting probably works up an appetite. Do we really need to elaborate?

Five Real-Life Candidates for Mortal Kombat
Wikipedia

2. MAD JACK CHURCHILL

Back in World War II, there was a Scottish surfer named Jack Malcom Thorpe Fleming Churchill. He joined up with a commando unit, making it all the way to Lieutenant Colonel in the course of his military career. Apparently, he felt that the perfectly serviceable guns the military issued were not perfectly serviceable and brought along a sword. If you're thinking of those sweet looking sabers they show some dude fighting a CGI dragon with in the Marine recruitment commercials then you're a good three feet short. Churchill brought a two-handed claymore into battle with him.

He used it too. He earned a Distinguished Service Cross taking a German lookout post in Salerno by leading a charge swinging his giant sword around until he ended up with about 40 captured and very frightened Nazis. When they finally captured him back, he managed to escape two different concentration camps.

Fatality: Did we mention the claymore? We want to make sure you know about the claymore. Mad Jack shouldn't have any trouble unzipping you like a Catholic High School Senior's jumper.

Five Real-Life Candidates for Mortal Kombat
Wikipedia

3. ERIKA EIFFEL

Erika LaBrie was born with a very odd mental disorder called Objectum Sexuality. Basically, she tends to form intense romantic bonds with inanimate objects. You might know her better as Erika Eiffel, since she married the famous tower in 2007 and took its name as her own.

What does this have to do with martial arts massacre-ing? Well, Erika is not exactly a believer in fidelity to her husband. She has over the years formed attachments to a number of objects including a bow named Lance, a katana, and a fighter jet. This has at various times made her the top-rated archer in the world, a world champion sword fighter, and the recipient of a $250,000 scholarship to the U.S. Air Force Academy. We should probably mention that someone tried to sexually assault her while she was in said academy. We use the word "tried" because Eiffel brought her sword...

Fatality: No need for sword overkill - see what we did there? Eiffel will lovingly pull a pair of arrows from betwixt her bosom and shoot out the eyes of her opponent.  

Five Real-Life Candidates for Mortal Kombat
George Tiedemann, courtesy of Sports Illustrated

4. DUSTIN CARTER

Art Attack spent a little time as a professional wrestler, and until recently we would've sworn you needed at least one arm and one leg to make something of yourself in the sport. Then we met Dustin Carter.

After contracting a rare blood disease at age five, Carter lost both legs and half of both arms. Instead of crying about it, Carter went on to be a champion high school wrestler. Think about it. Without arms and legs, he's actually much bigger than opponents in his weight class. He affords no purchase for limb holds. Basically, he's taking a disability that is just shy of being quadriplegic and making every man reading this look like they have the anatomical measure of a Ken doll.

Fatality: Carter gets his opponent on the ground and proceeds to headbutt a mudhole in their skull.

Theodore Roosevelt
Theodore Roosevelt
Wikipedia

5. THEODORE ROOSEVELT Everything you need to know about the 26th president of these United States is summed up in the following quote from Thomas Marshall.

"Death had to take him sleeping, for if he'd been awake there surely would've been a fight."

Roosevelt was such man's man that we don't really know why everyone keeps waiting for the day of the first female president. Every man who's had the job since him has been wearing skirts compared to Teddy in our opinion. Boxer, hunter, soldier, cowboy, you name it and he's punched it in the face and made it call him "Daddy." While president he walked around armed at all times, was a black belt in jiu-jitsu, kept a pet bear and lion at the White House, and fought a Yeti on a $20 bet. Admit it, you are going to Wikipedia to check that last one because it just might be true. Go ahead. We'll wait.

Fatality: Geez, it's like picking a favorite Bowie song or the medieval torture device we'd rather endure than talk to Comcast customer service via live chat. We're thinking Teddy could force his boot through his opponent's anus and out their mouth. Everyone says they'll do it, no one ever does. Let the man lead us forward one more time.


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