Late last week a picture was being forwarded around of a guinea pig suit of armor being sold on Ebay for the bargain price of $22,000.
If you think that what you just read was either in another language or perhaps you had some rare disease in which you confabulate nonsense, I assure you that you read that accurately. No, I stand corrected. The guinea pig suit of armor was going for $22,000 but finally sold last weekend for $24,300. The item is exactly what you think it is: a suit of armor for a guinea pig. Why someone would spend his time creating such a thing is anyone's guess, but my guess is that now that it's gotten so much press people will be asking the artist, Sean McCoy, to create suits of armor for other, larger animals. Would I buy one for my dog? Probably, but not for $24,000.
In McCoy's defense, all of the money will go to the Metropolitan Guinea Pig Rescue, an organization that rescues and rehabilitates guinea pigs. But on the flip side of that, they are fucking guinea pigs and let's just find something else to focus our time and resources on.
My initial reaction to this was that people are crazy (natch), but my second reaction was to ponder what other exorbitantly priced, unnecessary items were for sale on Ebay. Surprise, surprise; I found a few.
5. Valentino Cemetery Crypt - $35,000
I guess if you want to buy a crypt so badly, you've got to purchase it from somewhere, but Ebay just feels like an odd place to do so. Is $35,000 a lot for a crypt? I don't know.
The listing is a bit confusing. It's listed as such:
At 6000 Santa Monica Blvd is located Hollywood Forever Cemetery, Rudy Valentino is in a crypt on Lydia Lomonosow Lane in front of a beautiful lake, other stars are there, Dee Dee Ramone, Tyrone Power, Estelle Getty, Mel Blanc ,Clifton Webb Darla Hood, Alfa.
I think it is natural to initially assume that you are buying Rudy Valentino's crypt, which brings up a whole host of questions or just one: is Rudy Valentino still in there? But upon further examination, you are just buying a rando crypt somewhere near Rudy Valentino's, and that's just not cool. If I'm going to spend $35,000, I want Valentino's body in there as well as his costume from the first The Sheik movie.
You've heard of toast that has burn marks that look like the Madonna or water stained ceilings that resemble Jesus; this is something like those things except not at all. Apparently this seller cut open a tree and found that there was "THE IMAGE OF AN ANGEL WITH ITS WINGS SPREAD OUT ON IT." How they got this fossilization of a dragonfly to become St. Michael is a mystery but maybe we are not supposed to know; maybe we are just supposed to believe the tree told them, and it also told them that 10 grand was a reasonable amount for such a phenomenon.
3. Faded Glory - Men's Casual Shoes for 5 minutes - $56,000
Apparently, this seller bought a pair of Faded Glory shoes and they fell apart in five minutes. Rather than returning them to Walmart or the dollar store in which he bought them, he decided that he should put them up on Ebay and try and sell them to the tune of $56,000. His reasoning is that they "might be a Guinness Book of World Records" contender. Why not then submit the shoes yourself? Also, The Guinness Book of World Records doesn't have a category for stupid purchases. You get what you paid for bro.
2. My soul is dying - $15,000
Yes, you are intrigued. Could one purchase a dying soul on Ebay for only $15,000? Is this some Faustus/The Devil and Daniel Webster business for the 21st Century? How novel for the Prince of Darkness! Rather than having to go out, schlep around and find willing souls to donate their essences to become star politicians or American Idol finalists, now he (she?) can just go on Ebay.
But this listing is not that at all, it's just some pet-hoarder who wants you to give him $15,000 so that he can keep a heard of foster dogs living in their abode. You know who might help you save those dogs, a guy I like to call Lucifer. Tell him there's free shipping.
1. Heart Rare-Collectible 1 of a kind "Cheeto" Heart Smiles - $1,000,000
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For the meager sum of $1 million, you can purchase a one of a kind "Cheeto" that looks like it's in the shape of a heart and on occasion appears to be smiling at you. The listing says:
Let me explain why... The true value of this Million Dollar "Cheeto Heart that Smiles" is found in the dignity and worth of a human soul.
This "Cheeto" was an answer to my prayer...a very unexpected novel and unique answer to say the least.
Was this seller praying for a heart-shaped Cheeto or were they just praying for some kind of sign while shoveling Cheetos down their face, watching Touched By an Angel and stumbled across this deformed snack food and deemed it holy? Or better question, was this person high and are they still?