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Halloween Costumes for People Who Hate Halloween Costumes

For someone who loves to shop, get dressed up and play with makeup, I have an almost irrational hatred of dressing up for Halloween. It amazes even me, the degree to which I dislike all aspects of the Halloween costume -- from conception, to planning, to execution. It's not just the costume, it's the entire holiday. I don't have a big sweet tooth, so the candy doesn't do it for me. I don't particularly love horror films (I'm more of a psychological thriller/detective story kind of gal). And I just don't want to dress up in a costume -- I don't even want to hand out candy. When we lived in New York, I would turn off the porch light and tie my dog to the porch to dissuade trick-or-treaters.

So, yeah -- I'm a Halloween Grinch. But you know what? To crib the words of the great John Lennon, I know I'm not the only one. I know I have people out there who feel the same way. People who, like me, get invitations to parties (yay!) and are then required to cook up a Halloween costume (boo!).

I've got your back. Behold: Halloween costumes for people who hate Halloween costumes. THE LIST.

5. Clark Kent/Lois Lane

Hey guys, got a suit? Go buy a Superman T-shirt and you're done. You only have to buy one piece of clothing, and maybe throw on some glasses to round out the look. Pop the frames out of an old pair of sunglasses, or buy a pair of cheapies from the drugstore. For the ladies going for Lois, a suit is good but a pencil skirt and blouse will suffice. Carry a pen and pad everywhere -- this could come in handy later when everyone is drunk and saying hilarious things. (Am I the only one who likes to write that stuff down? I guess we tweet it now.) A hand-held tape recorder would really help you embarrass your friends the next day, as well as lend authenticity to your costume.

4. Ghost

Is there any lazier costume than a white sheet with two eyeholes cut out of it? Probably not, but it gets the job done and you don't have to worry about spilling anything on it; if you wear your best suit to play Clark Kent and get red wine on it, you have a cleaning bill, but on a sheet you just cut up? Meh -- whatevs. Plus it's unisex. Pair with any shoes and go!

3. Leather bomber jacket guy/gal

You can turn this into the Fonz with a white T shirt, or you can throw on some aviators and go as Maverick in Top Gun. I'm all for Halloween cross-dressing, so I think this is an equal opportunity costume for women who are huge Happy Days or Top Gun fans. Not so much? Throw that leather jacket over a pair of flared jeans and a T shirt, flip your hair and call yourself a Charlie's Angel.

 

Halloween Costumes for People Who Hate Halloween Costumes
Photo by Chuck Patch

2. Secret Service

Got a dark suit? Some mirrored glasses? Fashion your iPod (or whatever) earbud into a faux-wire and you're good to go. Another unisex option. Colombian prostitute optional -- and not necessarily advisable.

1. A Binder Full of Women

It's political, it's topical, it's so effin' easy to pull off. Two giant pieces of poster board, a funny photo/text riff of your choosing -- reference the Binders Full of Women Tumblr if you need to -- and you're done. One trip to the office supply store and you can focus on more important things. Like -- anything but Halloween.


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