Hostel at Universal Studios and 4 Other Horrifying Attractions We Want to Experience

Hostel at Universal Studios and 4 Other Horrifying Attractions We Want to Experience

Now that we have successfully procreated through luck, love, breakthrough scientific procedures and medical-grade pornography, Art Attack is greatly looking forward to using our adorable little hostage as an excuse to finally head to Florida and tackling Disney World and Universal Studios. Not that you need an excuse to blow several Grover Clevelands on a trip to an amusement park, but people give you a lot less lip for it when you point to a smiling child.

The Shrine of the Mouse is bigger on our list than Universal Studios, but we still very much want to go. Who wouldn't want to live out scenes from the greatest films of all time? Jurassic Park. Back to the Future. Hostel.

Wait, what?

It's true. Universal Studios is building a maze for the Halloween season based around Eli Roth's torture porn masterpiece. Apparently, this isn't a new thing. Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Saw have both had attractions at Universal Studios, as has House of 1,000 Corpses. That last one does make some sense as Rob Zombie can credit his move into film to some successful Halloween partnership attractions at Universal.

Still, Hostel? Who on Earth would want to experience that live? Okay, maybe it might be nice to have Heather Matarazzo tied up naked and dangling above us, but other than that the whole thing sounds like paying to need therapy. Fine then, you want to fist the minds of parkgoers, we'll play along. As long as you're doing Hostel, why not...

Requiem for a Dream
Please don't make a heroin = big boobs joke in the caption. -Editor
Please don't make a heroin = big boobs joke in the caption. -Editor

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Requiem for a Dream is one of the best movies ever made, and we hope we never ever see it again. A profound look at the effect of drug addiction on the human soul, not even Jennifer Connelly walking around with no pants on can distract this film from carving out a big chunk of your soul and replacing it with utter despair. Drug education in America should consist entirely of watching this film.

Attractions would include a booth where you can get your arm painted to look like it's heavily infected from unsanitary heroin needle use, a jail cell with actors who scream racial slurs at you, a sex show amphitheater and a chance to win a refrigerator that turns out to be a junkie-eating monster.

Oh, and there's skeeball. The film takes place on Coney Island, and we demand that skeeball therefore be present. The prizes are hard drugs, shattered hopes and My Neighbor Totoro plushies.

 

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li
Look! A film about kicks to the head that hurts more than actual kicks to the head!
Look! A film about kicks to the head that hurts more than actual kicks to the head!

Once upon a time, they made a film adaptation of the Street Fighter games that starred Raul Julia and Jean-Claude Van Damme. They made this film to punish you for all the money you spent on video games instead of movies. Then, they sort of felt bad about how terrible the film was, so they made Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li to make the original Street Fighter film look better by comparison. God help us if this continues.

Patrons will go through the same rigorous 15 minutes of fight training that each person in the film did, and will ultimately be allowed into the stripper pole-filled arena to battle with each other. Don't worry, experts will be on hand to make sure none of this is even slightly awesome, just like in the film.

Upon leaving, you'll be given an autographed picture of Kristin Kreuk with a small poem about how sorry she is.

Smurfs/Bratz
You are not on drugs. Well, maybe you are, but these are still actual posters.
You are not on drugs. Well, maybe you are, but these are still actual posters.

They really made a Smurfs movie. They really did. It's an actual movie, and the budget was more than the freakin' Powerball jackpot. The Bratz film is also not a joke. It's on DVD and everything. We picked it up in the store and blood filled the shrink wrap. The films were actually made by people who were totally serious, and people paid to see them. You know what that means? It means Hollywood owes us, and owes us big. Universal Studios can pay that debt.

Ever play Hogan's Alley? Old NES game based on the training groups they use to teach police officers urban gun combat? Well, let's see how good you are at taking out blue gnomes only three apples high and genetically altered crack whores made to look like teenagers who are somehow supposed to teach young girls about friendship despite being named after a derogatory term for hysterical children with poor social skills. Hollow points are available for an extra fee.

Earn the high score and the winner gets to personally veto a film project. They also win a chance to kick Uwe Boll in his testicles.

The Hall of Dennis Hoppers
He taught us so much.
He taught us so much.

The Wife With One F invented a term called the "Don't You Take That Tone With Me Film." For example, if you ran into Michelle Pfeiffer and she was rude to you, you could respond with "Don't you take that tone with me. You were in Grease 2." One man alone is immune to this rule. No, not Bruce Campbell. He was in McHale's Navy. The man we're talking about is Dennis Hopper.

Seriously, who else's resume includes a George Romero flick, Easy Rider, Blue Velvet, Super Mario Bros., and a Gorillaz video? Nobody, that's who. Dennis Hopper is beyond such things as crap roles, bad films, or any other measure of an actor. He was one of a kind.

Ironically, we're back where we started on attraction proposals. We're thinking Rob Zombie could design a Hall of Dennis Hoppers based somewhat on his murder ride from House of 1,000 Corpses. Along the cart's path would be various scenes from Hopper's movies played out with robotics.


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