How to Hide Your Turkey Gut and Other Dress Strategies for Success This Thanksgiving

Even turkeys need help keeping it all tucked in for Thanksgiving dinner.
Even turkeys need help keeping it all tucked in for Thanksgiving dinner.
Photo by istolethetv

In light of our recent questions about how, exactly, to dress on Thanksgiving Day, this seemed like the perfect time to offer our readers a definitive guide to dressing for the holidays. So how, exactly, does one "dress for success" for Thanksgiving dinner? That depends on the kind of Thanksgiving diner you are.

You Need Room for Fourths

Thanksgiving isn't just a holiday to you--it's a bloodsport. You strategize for weeks--planning your plate, scoping out the best seat for football viewing/napping, and you already have your post-dinner exit strategy in place. Now you just need to pick out an outfit that will accommodate the maximum turkey consumption you are planning.

Guys: Pants only offer so many options--bet you wish you could wear skirts now! If you have one handy, a high-waisted kilt might do the trick, but otherwise you are stuck with pants--probably pants with constricting buttons that will get in the way after the first couple of servings of stuffing, and most certainly will affect your ability to eat a ten-layer leftover sandwich.

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You're in luck: The Internet is (disturbingly) full of solutions for people who are looking to squeeze into their pants no matter what. Defy the laws of physics with one of these no-sew strategies for cramming your ass into your pants.

Gals: Dresses are your friend. Skip the body-skimming sheath and go for a looser fit. (Got any leftover babydolls from the '90s? Grab your brown-based lipstick and have a Very Brenda Walsh Thanksgiving!) Pick something loose and blousy, and belt it at your natural waist. Do you have any maternity pants in the back of a drawer? Break 'em out and eat your fill. Childless? Go buy maternity pants.

 

You Spill Shit

You're the first one to spill red wine in your crisp white shirt, or to dribble coffee down the front of your slacks. Your dry cleaner sends you Christmas cards. You? You're a mess.

Unisex Solution: Skip the dry clean-only garments and go straight to wash-and-wear; cotton is your friend. Choose a patterned shirt that will hide small stains, and do place your napkin in your lap. Before you sit down to dinner, slide a Tide Stain Stick into your pocket, always know where you are in relation to the club soda, and maybe--once in a while--glance down at your fork as you move it to your mouth. Fewer spills, and improved hand-eye coordination--win/win!

If you're a real hot mess, just pack an extra outfit.

You, Under No Circumstances, Need Room for Fourths

Your goal this Thanksgiving: healthy, reasonably-sized portions, and an absence of indigestion once your head finally hits the pillow. You are waking up Thanksgiving morning and doing a Turkey Trot before yoga, and then you and the family are riding bikes to Grandma's for dinner. You will end Thanksgiving Day with a calorie deficit at all costs.

Unisex Solution: Wear your snuggest pants, and tuck in that shirt! When Art Attack writer Abby Koenig wrote about our sloppy Thanksgiving ways, commenter SarahMKelly shared her sartorial strategy for Thanksgiving:

I, personally, like to wear a snug pair of pants, so I don't eat soooo much!

Whatever you wear, make it form-fitting and flattering, and unable to accommodate more than a four-ounce portion of turkey, a balanced number of sides, and a slice of pie. When it's time to go for seconds, accessorize with an apron and some rubber gloves, and get to work clearing dishes.


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