I Resolve to Get Laid
Joe Rocco

I Resolve to Get Laid

Sex is like money. When you have plenty of it, you seldom give it a thought. The question is, what does "plenty of it" mean? Chances are, if you've just begun a torrid office affair and are shagging in the coat room during the lunch break, in your car after work and then twice again when you get home, you fit the definition. The rest of us are seeing our sexual bills grow every month without the proper funds (funs) to pay them. Fear not. This column is dedicated to making sure you have a place to spend that ample amount of carnal cash in 2005.

For the young and well-coiffed, there's the stylishly mid-rent dance club Union (202 Tuam). Wednesday features the Boys and Girls Club DJ crew, which packs them in hot and horny. As the pulsating mix of old-school rap, new wave, no wave, electroclash and electrotrash filters through the house speakers and the rowdy crowd imbibes more adult beverages, a sexy stew begins to simmer. Dance well and become a star among the über-hip, who will request your company at one of the dozen or so freaky afterparties that seem to accompany the gig every week.

Those who saw Houston featured on E! channel's Wild On series were no doubt sitting in a puddle of their own drool after the piece on Club 410 (410 Main). Female bartenders there wear skimpy lingerie and dental floss-size thong-tha-thong-thong-thongs. Other nearly undressed ladies are strapped to swings that fly just above the heads of those itching for booze at the bar. If you're worried such a place wouldn't attract a large female clientele, don't be. They're here in droves. The sexually charged atmosphere gets the protons, neutrons and electrons all spinning together here, heating the already hot air.

More than a few times, the pretty people who paint the social portrait at Social Lounge and Patio Bar (3730 Washington Avenue) have pulled their lips apart to smile their perfect smiles in our pages. We've called it "Houston's best-looking crowd" more than once. Believe us already and swing by. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and we haven't met a beholder yet who hasn't swooned over this club's healthy crowd. Hearty drink prices ensure that your Queen Bee or Adonis has a pumped-up bank account as well. The riffraff will have to gaze from outside the gates.

A good day to meet that certain someone to please you between the sheets? The Lord's day. That's right -- Sunday brunch for the young and horny has become a perfect day and way for the singles to mingle. Of course, there's the legendary brunch to end all brunches at La Strada (322 Westheimer). If you've never been to this debauched circus -- or had the fortune of having Jell-O shots poured into your mouth by midgets, card tricks performed for you by roving magicians or body shots off someone you've just met -- then you should pause briefly from reading this column and make arrangements now. We forgive you.

Falling fairly high on the Oh shit! meter is Berryhill Baja Grill (3407 Montrose). Here, they put a DJ on the deck while you fill up your bottomless mimosa all day for $8. Tons of effervescent ladies and metrosexual men line the space while filling their mouths with award-winning tamales. Around noon the place is swinging, the booze is coursing, and strangers are introducing themselves. Skip the sopaipillas and have one another for dessert.

Maybe spirited meetings on a sunny day aren't your thing. You prefer your streets drenched in electric light. Fine, let the all-female Spinnin' Kitties DJ collective be your guide on Friday nights at Thermal (1601 Commerce). This night begins with a lazy boil and always ends with the stovetop blazing out of control. Your drink will be taken away at closing, but you'll get to dance for a little while longer. This gives you a bit more time to sell yourself to that certain someone you've been eyeing all night.

Saturday night sees another girl DJ clique, Danseparc, get their groove on at Numbers (300 Westheimer). Danceparc's good at getting crowds frisky, but what really gets the hookups rolling here is the dollar beer.

Question: Is the thought of all this face-to-face interaction making your palms sweaty? Maybe you don't know how to go about this. Maybe you aren't good at making conversation with strangers. It's time to flip on the new LCD screen you received on Jesus' birthday and start a Nancy Drew-size search for someone who can satiate your sexual sweet tooth. Of course, our unbiased opinion would have you search the annals of the Houston Press dating service at www.houstonpress.com.

There's also Myspace.com. Here you can describe your likes and dislikes, blog your innermost secrets, search for those who might meet your fancy and post pictures of yourself when you were 50 pounds lighter (believe us, you won't be the only one). If other myspacers find your profile cute or interesting enough, they'll come to you. Your job is to pick through the rubbish.

Perhaps pasting your pics all over the www makes your stomach uneasy. What if sweet, old Grammy stumbles upon your personal when she's trying to refill her Walgreens prescription online? Fear not, you lust-thirsty loon, craigslist.com is the site for you.

Here you'll find a more discreet brand of personal. Most are pretty standard: men seeking women, women seeking men, men seeking men. But you'll also find a link for "casual encounters." Click it and verify that you're 18 and aware that you're in for some pervy stuff. Once you've cleared that hurdle, you'll be able to point and click on whatever helps the blood flow down south -- perhaps a "businesswoman looking for gang-bang while in Houston" or someone who wants to "orally satisfy a hot babe all afternoon." That not do it for you? How about a "young guy looking for beautiful woman with penis" or a "paid position -- black slave girl sought by generou$ WM." Some of this may extend beyond the horizon of what makes you hungry. If that's the case, just click on back to the folks who want to get to know you first, until you're ready for the DWF that "fantasizes about peeing on a guy." Happy, horny hunting!


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