I always knew there was a reason that Kayne West existed on this planet and it had absolutely nothing to do with the "rapping," he claims to do. Last week, Kayne's current boo and soon to be baby's momma, Kim Kardashian, made a shocking statement to Dujour magazine -- a statement that may in fact save the world.
Drum roll, please. Kimye told the mag that she would not be returning to her life affirming reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians next season. The reality show that made her and her brood famous for being famous will have to fight all the way to obscurity without the hourglass starlet, and without Kim what are the Kardashians other than a better dressed, lower class version of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo? There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it now appears that society's inevitable demise may put on hold for another hundred or so years.
But why Kim, why save us now when we were so close to the end and getting used to our meaningless lives that revolved around wondering about your ass inserts? According to her interview, it is her boyfriend Kayne West that we are to thank for this miracle to mankind.
"My boyfriend has taught me a lot about privacy. I'm ready to be a little less open about some things, like my relationships. I'm realizing everyone doesn't need to know everything. I'm shifting my priorities," she says.
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Glory praise hallelujah; we have a savior and his name is Kayne West. While all of you haters were out there still reeling over his Taylor Swift dis, thinking he was a sociopath based on his theoretical Tweets about messed up Persian rugs, or those of you who remember when he was wearing that diamond grill, you had no idea that he was secretly plotting a takeover to save humanity. Bless you sir and thank you.
Kardashian has also said that in addition to her shifts in privacy, she will in no way be sharing the birth of her baby on television like her sister Kourtney did. Again, one would assume this is the doing of Master West and his influence over his significant other. At the sheer news of Kim's growing fetus, I cringed in thought of how many networks would force us to watch the moment live as it was happening, and how many times The Today Show would re-air clips of the birth in one morning's broadcast. Shudder. I imagine that this scene would be similar to that moment in A Clockwork Orange where Alex is forced to sit through the torturous, experimental aversion therapy. With each push Kim would be inadvertently killing all of our brains.
But now we are safe and a society filled with US Magazine covers of Kim with her legs in stirrups is nothing but a bad dream. Yes, I agree it makes little sense that Kayne would be teaching anyone about discretion given that he is openly a dickhead, but perhaps all of this, his whole life and career, has been a secret plot to get Kim Kardashian to stop showing us her cellulite scrubbings. Maybe the CIA recruited him for the job because the government felt they had to finally get involved given the fall of human intelligence due to the Kardashian reign. Or perhaps he was just sick of the whole thing and took it upon himself to knock her up for the purpose of telling her what's what.
Either way, thank you Kayne; you are a hero and you deserve a medal.