It's the weekend of weddings. Have you been debating getting married but thought you couldn't pull it off? Need to shotgun it? Or maybe you are just loco and met the guy of your dreams at 2 a.m. last night at Poison Girl and are desperate to tie the knot. Either way, it's the perfect weekend for a last-minute wedding!
Chances are, if your friends haven't made plans to go out of town at this point, they will welcome the excuse not to clean out their garages. And besides, isn't everyone just dying to spend their Memorial Day weekend celebrating you and your nuptials? Of course they are; your wedding is exactly what everyone wants to do this weekend!
Time is short and money is tight, and weddings can be costly and all-consuming. Have no fear, Art Attack has done your wedding planning for you (you're welcome). Print out this handy guide for the cheapest, most ridiculously last-minute wedding that will fit any budget.
Since time is of the essence, you probably cannot go with a theme. Who cares? Theme weddings are stereotypical and so everyone-you-know-that's-lame anyway. Your wedding's theme is no theme, which is totally meta and badass at the same time. Have people guess your wedding's theme and then laugh at them when they are wrong.
As unthematic as you are, you're going to need some inexpensive supplies (people can't eat out of their hands...or can they?) Head over to the Dollar Tree and purchase your paper goods. They have it all -- napkins, plates, forks, cups -- and the best part is that everything is white. Don't serve anything saucy like beans, though; those plates will disintegrate in your guests' laps, and we are assuming you won't have tables or chairs.
While you are there, you might as well pick up some food items. The Dollar Tree is stocked with delicious foodstuffs from Beefaroni to Cup O'Noodles. Sometimes you can even find fancy edibles, like Vienna sausage.
You are going to need some chatskis; every good wedding has some, and there's no better place for random crap than Walgreens. Looking for some good party favors for your guests? Two 50-packs of Avengers temporary tattoos will show people that you're up on your current culture and a laid-back artist at the same time. For $7.99, those tattoos are a steal!
Why waste your money on stuffy place cards when you can buy a package of Post-its and have people designate their own tables? Jot down all of your guests' names and stick them around the entryway to the reception. Plus, they're hot pink and everyone loves neon right now.
If you're looking for gifts for your bridesmaids that say you are thoughtful and understand a good bargain, pick up a few packs of Bendables Flip Flops. Sure, they'll curse you behind your back now, but after two hours on the dance floor they will be praising your name.
Speaking of fashion, if the Madonna white lace glove look has been your wedding inspiration since you bought the Like a Virgin album, but you have no time to wait for eBay, try an Ace bandage! With a little spin and some scissors, an Ace bandage is pretty much the same thing. Just buy one, though; two gloves is too symmetrical for your look.
Now you need a gift for the groomsman because there is no way your husband/future ex-husband will have thought about this. Since the only thing you know about your man's bros is that they like to drink, pick up a Bottle Opener Ring for each of the dudes. Walgreens has a box of them up by the counter, and this week they're on sale!
One thing we've always found obnoxious about weddings is the sign-in book. Are you telling us you won't meticulously memorize each and every person who shows up and cross-reference them with the number of gifts you receive? Forget the snooty John Hancock book and opt for something fun. Mad Libs will give your guests something un-boring to do when you're having your first dance.
As far out as this wedding may be, it still holds the same mantra as all other weddings before it: Get people drunk and they'll have a good time. Alcohol can be the most expensive part of the reception, but not when you can purchase two sixers of Big Flats for $6.25.
Drink up, party people.
You are going to need a cake. Hop on the wedding cupcake trend and pick up several boxes of Tastykakes from the Sunbeam Breads Discount Store on Washington. For only $2.50 per box, you can afford for your fat cousin Morty to have seconds.
Since you're already on Washington Avenue, head over to the crème de la crème of cheap wedding supplies, Arne's. At Arne's you can find a plethora of wacky wedding items such as balloons, beaded necklaces with brides and grooms, penis party trays (who says they're just for bachelorette parties anymore?) and sparkly centerpieces.
Wow, you have basically gotten everything you need for the most unforgettable day of your life and you haven't spent more than ten dollars on any single item. The quest isn't over yet -- you need a dress. Since you're working with a strict budget, one might suggest that you go over to the Salvation Army or Goodwill to pick up a used number. It's your wedding, though, and the last thing you want to do is worry about someone else's pit stains. Treat yourself!
Find a Ross for you and your bridesmaids, and go to town. Ross has plenty of white options, but do you really think you should be wearing white anyway? Go crazy and pick up a little red number like Winona Ryder's in Beetlejuice.
Last but not least, you need a bouquet. Flowers can be so expensive and they die quickly. Rather than wasting your bucks on some dried plants, show your country pride and walk down the aisle carrying an American flag from the Dollar Tree. If you're not a patriotic soul, grab yourself a butterfly catcher and swing it around as you walk; maybe you'll even catch something -- like a real husband.
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Your big day is now complete. Stay calm. It will all be over before you know it. Happy wedding, love Art Attack.