Lewis Black and NY Can Kiss Texas's Ass: From the Mouth of a New Yorker


So, yeah, apparently comedian Lewis Black is now speaking for the entire state of New York and has declared Texas stateona non grata. Earlier this week, Black, who is a semi-regular ranter for The Daily Show created a video entitled "New York, Better Than Texas," and the video has its own domain and hash tag, #NYmiddlefingerTX. Middle fingers flash across the screen basically conveying that NY is saying 'eff you to the Lone Star state. How rude.

The video goes on to list off the reasons why NY is better than TX; you can eat pizza with sushi on it at eight in the morning and they've got a big green statue called Lady Liberty. Meanwhile, TX has, I guess in Black's mind, nothing worth eating, seeing, doing or being a part of, and we have big giant blow-up cowboys, which I will agree don't rival the Statue of Liberty, but what does?

As a full blooded, born and raised New Yorker who drops her "Rs" in words like "horse" and adds them into words like "saw," I found this video to be somewhat offensive. I have lived in Houston for close to six years and as someone that has seen both sides of the coin, I think Texas has gotten a seriously bad rap. Sure, our governor's veins surge with venom from a dangerously cute slow loris, and yes there are some seriously kooky and downright offensive laws that seem to pass in our state legislature as if everyone in the government is constantly drinking spiked Gummy Beary Juice, but save those abnormalities, this is a damn fine state.

And guess what, New York is not the cat's pajamas. It's only the cat's old, tattered bunnysuit with a hole around the genitals. Basically what I'm saying is that as much as I love the Big Apple with all of my soul, they need to get off of that very high pedestal/soap box they have all climbed to the top of. Texas has its issues, but New York has just as many, and conversely New York has great things, but so does Texas. So go screw.

New York has the best food in the world Yes, yes, we all know that you go to New York and you can get the nowest, hippest, combination of donut croissant Malaysian Hawaiian fusion in the world. But you know what else you get at New York restaurants? Rats. There are rats everywhere and it's disgusting. I cannot even count on two hands the number of restaurants in NYC that I've eaten at in which I saw a rat. One time I was at a very over-priced Indian joint and there was a dead rat under the table next to mine. The patrons screamed and left furiously and the waiter kicked the rat to the side and then immediately sat another party. That's nasty.

I have been to multiple cities in the state of Texas and never once have I seen a rat or heard tell of a major rat infestation. What I have heard is that some of the best chefs in the entire country are opening up shop right here in Houston, and Dallas and Austin ain't shabby either.

Texas is nothing but a bunch of rednecks

We don't breed hicks, we breed superstars here.
We don't breed hicks, we breed superstars here.
Photos by Robin Harper/Courtesy of Inivision for Parkwood Entertainment/

Before I moved to Houston, I too had the misperception that the streets would be filled with cattle and everyone rode a horse or pick-up truck to their job on the ranch (the truck thing was not that far off base). New Yorkers have no idea what Texas is like so they play into the "southern stereotypes" of hillbilly.

I'll tell you a little secret. If you drive about two hours out of the Mecca that is the Five Burroughs, you will find the MOST redneck group of people that you have ever encountered in your entire life. True story: near where I grew up in Poughkeepsie, there is a town called Onion Town that most of us were too afraid to go within five feet of for fear that we would be abducted by a series of Children of the Corn types. Growing up, everyone knew about Onion Town and even knew a kid or two that lived there. Everyone in Onion Town is related through inbreeding and dentistry has not yet been invented. Lewis Black, this is also your New York. Additionally, if you drive anywhere past Albany there are only country music stations.

New York is the most international city in the world. Wrong, Lewis Black, wrong. The most international city in the country happens to be our very own Space City. Boom! And guess what ass-hat, Texas has the second highest population of Bhutanese refugees in the country. Boom again!

Texas' governor is the devil incarnate

This guy will be your mayor soon. And P.S. this is one your most popular newspapers.
This guy will be your mayor soon. And P.S. this is one your most popular newspapers.

I will not argue with any ill words about Ol' Perry and the fact that he thought that praying for rain might make it so. But, New Yorkers, you realize that in a few short months your new mayor will be Anthony Weiner. His name writes its own punch line. This guy, that you will all vote for because you have no better options, who has the maturity level of a fifth grader who just realized that if he touched his own dingdong it would change size, this guy will be your mayor. You will all vote for him. Should I also remind you of your ex-governor Eliot Spitzer and that you will also all vote for him to be City Comptroller because, again, there are too many more important things to worry about like which Asian-Yiddish fusion restaurant you will wait two hours in line to get into tonight?

Perry may be a moron, but he is not a hypocrite. He's always a moron.   And then let's talk about that whole job situation... I have multiple friends that were laid off during the 2008 recession that still have not found jobs. Almost six years later, multiple, college educated, smart as whips, people are working at coffee shops and as temps. You know how many people I know that got laid off and still haven't gotten back in the career saddle in Texas? None. While I am sure there are people struggling, let's not kid ourselves, but how many different "best of" lists in terms of financial stability, low unemployment rates, most growth, etc, etc, does this state have to be on before it almost becomes comical?

Don't you want jobs people of New York? Maybe you should come to Texas.

Being quite familiar now with both states, it would never even occur to me that there would be some kind of rivalry or animosity between the two. Texas and New York have a host of things in common: strong personalities, intense state pride, love of the finer things, bad traffic; so when did New York decide that Texas was its archnemesis?

Here's the thing, Texas isn't picking a fight with you New York; we don't care about you. We're just moseying about, eating at our own awesome restaurants, going to our internationally recognized museums and theaters, making bank by working at all of the Fortune 500 companies that also call our state home and in general, enjoying life (a few quips aside, ehem... abortion); we're not even all that fat anymore!

I don't know New York, I just think maybe y'all are jealous. It's OK, we'll take you in if you ever want to move here. Come quick though, the housing market is ridiculous here. #TXmiddlefingerNY

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