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Oh, What the Hell; Let's Kill off Even More TV Characters

The cast of HBO's "True Blood" in a rare, fully-clothed moment.
The cast of HBO's "True Blood" in a rare, fully-clothed moment.

When I first brought up the subject of various television characters who could safely get bumped off with little impact on their respective shows, it was in response to Brian the dog's death on Family Guy. That was December of last year, and I really hadn't thought of revisiting the topic until HBO went and forced my hand with the "shocking" death in last Sunday's season premiere of True Blood. How did I know it was shocking? Because that's how it was described in every article that talked about it.

What's more surprising is that anyone still watches True Blood in the first place, but I digress.

Now that summer's officially here and most of your favorite programs are in reruns or about to be (none of you are actually Rizzoli & Isles fans, right?), it's time to look at more characters that should be put out to pasture. The Death Pasture.

To recap, here's the previous list:

Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men) Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory) Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) Aaron Hotchner (Criminal Minds) The Dowager Countess (Downton Abbey) Bart Simpson (The Simpsons) Ted Mosby (How I Met Your Mother) everybody (Grey's Anatomy)

Now then:

8. Sam Healy - Orange is the New Black It might seem counterintuitive to put one of the few male characters from the Netflix series on here, except most of the male characters are scumbags. A more obvious choice would probably be "Pornstache" Mendez, but he's out of the picture now and I'm not buying Healy's redemptive arc.

How He Should Kick the Bucket: I hear those Ukrainian mail-order brides can be a tad unstable.

7. Harry Crane - Mad Men Initially sympathetic in a goofy way, Harry has become increasingly obnoxious and self-important since moving to California. He's never going to be a partner, and he lacks any compelling back story to make us care about him in the slightest. And this aggression against Joan will not stand.

How He Should Kick the Bucket: How about some slight historical revisionisim to make him the guy who got stabbed at Altamont?

6. Kurt and/or Rachel - Glee Speaking of shows I can't believe are still on the air. Rachel Berry has now supplanted Jennifer Aniston's character from Friends as the most annoying TV character with that first name, while Kurt doesn't let the fact he has the most accepting father in the Midwest keep him from being an absolute pain in the ass.

How They Should Kick the Bucket: Rachel already shared a kiss with Kurt's boyfriend, so why not push that infidelity to the next level, leading to an inevitable murder-suicide? Ryan Murphy loves being topical, and all.

5. Daenerys Targaryen - Game of Thrones Do we care about anything but the dragons at this point? I know it's unlikely HBO will eliminate the only person in Westeros or Essos who appears capable of controlling fire-breathing sky lizards, but her scenes -- "Dracarys" excepted -- are routinely the most boring of the show.

How She Should Kick the Bucket: In a lucrative Hobbit crossover, Dany and Drogon are shot down over Laketown by Bard the Bowman.

 

4. Vince - Mike & Molly This slot is interchangeable with any character from any Chuck Lorre sitcom. Pick one and run with it, I just went with Vince because of all the trite, one-liner spouting caricatures on any of these shows, horny old people are always the most annoying.

How He Should Kick the Bucket: Catastrophic blood loss after a Viagra overdose causes his penis to explode.

3. Joe Carroll - The Following Let's be clear; Carroll might very well deserve to die simply because he's a serial killer with a cult that commits heinous deeds in his name, but his greater crime is using such derivative influences. Edgar Allan Poe? The Bible? Who's on tap for season 3? Jane Austen? Curious George?

How He Should Kick the Bucket: Walled up alive in the basement of the Poe Museum.

2. Tig - Sons of Anarcy I may not take issue with some of the things SAMCRO's most violent member has done on the show (drowning a torture porn director in a tub of urine when he threatened to put Tig's daughter in one of his movies ... I can get behind that), but his unceasingly volatile behavior has been one of the few consistent aspect of a show that crossed the line from "implausible" to "are you fucking kidding me?" three seasons ago.

And he should probably pay for that time he killed Opie's wife.

How He Should Kick the Bucket: Re-creating Fonzie's shark jump.

1. Carl - The Walking Dead It's way past time. Look at Rick's face; even he wants him dead at this point.

How He Should Kick the Bucket: Disemboweled while in the throes of a pudding binge.


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