Pop Rocks: 2013 Already Sucks -- Kanye and Kim Kardashian Are Breeding
Dear God, please don't let our child be as repulsive as we are.
That was quick. Was that quick? It seems quick.
Kardashian, 32, took to her official site to post the following on New Year's Eve: "It's true!! Kanye (West) and I are expecting a baby. We feel so blessed and lucky and wish that in addition to both of our families, his mom and my dad could be here to celebrate this special time with us. Looking forward to great new beginnings in 2013 and to starting a family. Happy New Year!!! Xo"
She has spoken for years in interviews of her wish to be a mom. In September she said on ABC's The View: "Kids is definitely something I want, I think I wanted that before."
Incoherent much? It sounds like she's already sleep-deprived, which is a great way to get ready for baby (or would be, if she and Mr. Jesus Walks weren't going to have an army of nannies and au pairs at combat readiness the moment she goes into labor). So that's good news.
The bad news is, well, Kanye and Kim Kardashian are having a child.
But perhaps I'm being unfair. After all, there's no proof the spawn of Kanye/KimK will be, as my friend Christopher put it, "the Kwisatz Haderach of douchebags." This kind of thinking could easily be viewed as hurtful and unfair, mostly because I'm pissed I didn't think of that line myself.
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Sure, on the surface the propsect of a megalomaniac and the world's biggest attention whore having a child might seem...ominous, but let's not be too hasty. It's a new year, after all, and maybe part of this whole "new beginnings" thing includes applying thoughtful analysis instead of falling into the trap of cynically prejudging every bloodless, focus group-approved stunt designing to engineer publicity for a stalled reality show career.
Sorry, sorry. Baby steps. Anyway, in the interest of said thoughtful analysis, here's your official Rocky Dennis Style Pending Baby Analysis:
These Things About the Kanye/KimK Baby Are Good
The Kid Probably *Will* Care About Black People -- Hating your father isn't unheard of, but it takes a great deal of self-loathing to hate him because of his skin color. In any event, it's unlikely Papa Kanye will be saying something like this at his child's high school graduation.
Prince William and Kate Middleton's Kid Will Have Someone to Play With -- You don't let a potential King/Queen of the United Kingdom slum it with non-Royals. And sad to say, Kanye and KimK are the closest thing America has.
It's a Chance to Live Vicariously -- Did you ever resent your parents because they never gave you a car/pony/motorcycle/Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle? The good news is, you'll be able to relive your miserable childhood via constant updates detailing everything the West/Kardashian offspring receives that you never did.
And here's something for you parents out there: The kid's college is already paid for, and he/she ain't even been born yet.
Kim Will Probably Post Some Pregnancy Cleavage -- Tweeting your "bump" is popular among people who have no shame to begin with, but at least there's a chance Kardashian will quote-unquote inadvertently show off some décolletage à la Jessica Simpson.
There Is No 5th Thing -- Seriously, that's all I could come up with.
These Things About the Kanye/KimK Baby Are a Drag
Kanye Will Release a Scott Stapp-ian Ode to His Unborn Child -- There have been other offenders in this category, of course (radio stations that still play Green Day's "Time of Your Life" should hand out complimentary airsick bags), but Creed's remains the top of the constipated heap.
We're Getting More Reality Shows! -- You don't think Keeping Up With the Kardashians can contain the unholy amount of attention required by the Kardaspawn, do you? And don't forget the constant Twitter and Facebook updates when she goes into labor. Will they have a live special on E! to air the birth? Oh, I hope so.
Another Child of a Broken Home -- West and Kardashian aren't married, and while there's the possibility of a long-running Kurt Russell/Goldie Hawn-style relationship, nothing in either of their romantic histories (especially hers) suggests such a thing. With the paparazzi dogging their every step, rich or not, I actually feel sorry for the kid.
Prepare Yourself for Kim's Post-Pregnancy Weight-Loss Updates -- Frankly, I'm not optimistic (that's already a sizable posterior), but either way, you should gird yourself for tabloid updates that'll make Simpson's look pedestrian by comparison.
They're Going to Name It Something Terrible, Aren't They? -- Of course they are; they're celebrities. And I guarantee you anyone with a sibling who spells her name "Khloe" is liable to come up with something that puts "Shiloh" or "Lancaster" to shame.
On the plus side, it's almost 100% guaranteed to start with a "K," meaning there's the ever so slight chance the name might incorporate both mom and dad's monikers as well as the last name "Kardashian," resulting in, well, something like Krusty's Komedy Klassics:
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