Pop Rocks: 5 Ways for Rihanna to Get Over Chris Brown, Aside from Rehab

He dyes his hair blond. He is not worth your rehab money!
He dyes his hair blond. He is not worth your rehab money!

I hate citing as a source for anything other than a good place to get riled up over anti-feminist Brawny commercials, but I will assume that if they were completely misinformed about their recent account of the life and times of Rihanna, they would be sued already. According to the website, Rihanna is allegedly cutting her world tour short to get herself rehabilitated, from love. Rihanna has been in a debilitating state over her recent dumping from Chris Brown and she needs help. It has been suggested that RiRi is headed to a 12-step program at The Ranch clinic in Tennessee. The Ranch has a 'Women's Love and Sex Addiction Treatment Program' that supposedly helps women in throes of passion who maybe also get thrown.

Whether this information is true or not, it is perplexing. Fame and fortune bring misfortune and mo money equals mo problems, but Rihanna's issues are not of your standard Hollywood fare. Rihanna is not shaving her head and driving her car into the side of a building, she's not tweeting photos of herself high on drugs, she hasn't been arrested, no DUIs or homophobic/racist/anti-Semitic comments in the back of cabs and she's not twerking in a bunnysuit. Rihanna just has (allegedly) got it really bad for a huge douche-bag, and I think, ladies, we can all say that we've been there before. Have we been there "need rehab to get over said d-bag" before, maybe not, but her quagmire is not foreign.

And since most of us have had some experience in getting over the wrong guy, may I suggest a few alternatives to checking yourself into a place that surely is going to make you feel worse about your self esteem when it is all over the news.

5. Find a guy who looks just like him, nail him and then dump him

I am stealing this piece of advice (almost) line for line from the movie

Say Anything

but its sentiments are spot on. You are Rihanna. Do you have any idea how ridiculously good looking you are? I think that you do or else you wouldn't prance around naked all the time. Play that game with yourself that we women like to play, "If I could have sex with any single person on the planet and then never have to talk to them again who would it be?" and then go and actually do it. Because you are Rihanna. And pick someone crazy like George Clooney. I guarantee he's down.

4. Slam Chris Brown Every Opportunity You Can GetRihanna, you have been so nice, so gracious to this guy who has done nothing, nothing, good for your self-esteem, your life or your career. Stop it, now. Go on The Today Show, tomorrow, and dump every bit of your crap out about Chris Brown for the entire world to see and hear and blog about. I bet you've got some really juicy dirt on him like he picks his nose and wipes it on the side of his car door or his farts smell like smoked salmon. Is this a mature move? Absolutely not. Will you feel better for a little while? Hell yeah. Compare your smack talk to his physical smacking and you'll be OK with your juvenile behavior.

3. Steal All of His Friends

Ri, you have the king and queen of the world on your team.
Ri, you have the king and queen of the world on your team.

What always adds to the hurt and hassle of a break up is that all of a sudden you also lose half of the people in your life. Having to deal with being dropped by of his friends and family makes matters that much worse. You became close with his grandma; his best friend's girlfriend and you have already booked a spa day together. You don't have to lose all of the people in your life that you've come to love. Just keep calling them, make plans, have lunches, buy them birthday presents. Seriously Rihanna, Drake will take your side and Chris Brown's mom probably likes you better than she likes her son. I'm just saying.


2. Go On One Ridiculous Bender

This picture counts as wasted. This outfit counts as cray cray.
This picture counts as wasted. This outfit counts as cray cray.

You can go on one ridiculous drinking bender (which might be what you've been doing as of late) but that's it. Just one. If you turn into a sloppy drunken mess than he wins, and he does not deserve to win.

1. Be OK Just Being Yourself (or Pretend)

Do this hair cut again.
Do this hair cut again.

Dye your hair, get a new wardrobe, put out a new album, or do whatever it is you need to show that guy that you don't need him. Wash that gunk out of your hair! Moping around in a rehab facility just allows him think that he still has control over you and that's not what you need. Rihanna, you should be looking like she is having the time of her life right now. I know that it is cliché, but laugh really loudly at some other man's joke when Chris is around. Be seen out on the town with your girlfriends looking fabulous. Wear crazy hats because that's what confident women do. Then go to Africa or something and help hungry children and smile really big for the cameras, so he remembers that you are the nicest person in the entire world. Hey, you'll be helping starving kids. Bonus.

You will survive. We all do.

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