Pop Rocks: Binge Watching Scandal Is Not a Good Idea

Lena Dunham's SNL parody of Scandal is how I felt about 15 episodes in.
Lena Dunham's SNL parody of Scandal is how I felt about 15 episodes in.

I had heard a lot about Scandal, the ABC political drama starring Kerry Washington as a D.C. fixer who is involved in an affair with the President. I was never certain if I wanted to watch it, but there it was staring my wife and me in the face on Netflix in the middle of a boring summer of reruns. And I had recently seen the hilarious parody skit on SNL featuring Lena Dunham from Girls as the confused new "gladiator," and figured what the hell.

It wasn't until I was three or four episodes in that I realized Dunham and I had the same problem.

I enjoy serial dramas. I've watched Bones fairly religiously since its start and there is nothing more addictive than a good CSI or Law and Order marathon -- but not the Special Victims Unit because that shit is depressing -- but I spent so much time trying to figuring out how and why anyone was doing anything on Scandal until my binge watching began to morph into a fairly stout form of hate watching and it left me with questions...and these are just the five that I could list without feeling more shame.

5. Why did Quinn and Abby get creepy makeovers after Season One?

There was an episode of The Simpsons in which Homer invented a makeup gun. He shot it at Marge but hit the wall in a giant clown-colored splatter to which Marge responded, "You must have set it to whore." I'm no makeup expert. I even avoid eye contact when walking past the Clinique counter at Macy's. But even I can see that the makeovers to Quinn and Abby were not only unnecessary but ridiculous. It's like they hired a pageant mom to do it.

4. Could they have made Hollis any more of a southern caricature?

The only way the corrupt energy guy could be any more cartoonish is if they dressed him in chaps and boots, and let him yell, "Yee haw!" every episode. I'm shocked he doesn't carry a six shooter with him at all times and complain about open carry laws. Where is the giant steer head on the wall of his office and can someone get this man some cowhide chairs? If I ever see him driving and he's not in a pickup, I am turning off the TV.   3. Will these characters ever develop any depth?

Is Huck ever going to be anything but a near psychotic who can barely contain his abject misery? Will Mellie actually grow a heart? Can Harrison do anything but smile and talk fast? I get that Abby hates men, Quinn is a closet serial killer and David Rosen is a saint in a suit, but, honestly, is that it?

2. Is Fitz the lamest President ever?

God, this guy. I can't think of even where to begin. The guy is clearly the most wishy washy jackass of a politician in history. He's also kind of a dick. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, find a single redeeming quality about him, nor can I figure out what the hell Olivia sees in him, which leads me to...

1. What is wrong with Olivia, seriously?

This is a 30-something woman, not a tween vampire, yet she appears as powerless as Bella near Edward when Fitz is in the room. She always has a speech ready and appears to be this strong, white pant-suited black woman, yet she is the biggest wuss that ever lived the minute something disappoints her or she sees Fitz on TV. I get that she has daddy issues, but even a 14-year-old goth poet grows up sometime.

Bonus: When is Cyrus going to die from frustration?

Who could blame him?

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