Good heavens, night is falling and the text entry window for my due-at-8 a.m. pop culture blog entry remains alarmingly free of text. To TMZ!
Here's a shocker...Courtney Stodden says she definitely has NOT ruled out any of the porn offers that have rolled in since she turned 18 this morning.
Stodden just called in to "TMZ Live"...and told us she's been "flooded" with XXX offers from the moment she became "legal"...and the thought of her getting intimate with another man is freaking out her 52-year-old hubby.
Let that one roll around for a moment: She's worried about "freaking out" her 52-year-old husband, to whom she's been married since she was 16.
Seeing as how I'm forced to comb through the entertainment headlines regularly, it was hard to avoid the pair (believe me, I tried). The, uh, precocious young lady certainly seemed to enjoy the attention that came from being scantily clad jailbait. It's just funny -- in a depressing, inevitable downfall of mankind kind of way -- to see the commotion made about the one young celebrity turning 18 who might actually start making "adult" entertainment.
And that's it, isn't it? Finally, after decades of a certain type of person anticipating such a thing, there's someone of legal age who might actually make that leap (or plummet, depending on your preferred metaphor) to pornography.
I'm not making this up. And while I haven't kept up to date on the technology, I know there were several online "countdowns" set up to give us a to-the-second reckoning of how long it was going to be until certain child stars turned 18. The Olsen Twins had one (they turned 18 in 2004, and that Web page looks it), Emma Watson of Harry Potter fame had a fake one (though Daniel Radcliffe's looks real). I suspect there are/were ones out there for Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and every other Disney Channel actress.
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The thing is, hardly anybody ever goes into porn/poses for Playboy if they're actually successful. Sure, you get the occasional over-40 actress who wants to prove she still has the goods, but expecting a multimillionaire teenager to somehow "assert her newfound freedom" by showing her tits is stupidity personified. I've checked out these Emma Watson comment threads (so you wouldn't have to, that's how much I love you people), and the pathetic tonnage of dopes sweatily describing how they "couldn't wait" for Hermione Granger to go topless sounded as pathetic as Rockets fans talking about Dwight Howard coming to play for Houston: It's not fucking happening, people.
The progression is and always will be: porn to mainstream. "Mainstream" in this case meaning low-budget indie or straight-to-DVD films. See: Traci Lords, Sasha Grey, Kim Kardashian. The Olsens, Watson, Cyrus and others all made stupefying amounts of money in their teens without having to take their clothes off. Why the hell would they start now?
I guess this is why Stodden's situation actually intrigues people, beyond offering another chance to shine a Q-beam on that particular car crash. Stodden is...a singer? Is that right? Let's go ahead and assume she's not making much money from that. And I kind of doubt the residuals from Lost and The Green Mile amount to much for Hutchison. Maybe Tooms is going to be the main villain in the next X-Files movie.
Can Stodden reverse the conventional wisdom? Will Hutchison ever find an audience that doesn't shriek in disgust when he shows up? Stay tuned. Or don't. Who would blame you?