Hey, Florida. How's it going? We see you all sunshine and old folks down there. We admit we enjoy your beaches, your drag queens and your television shows. Hell, we even admit to wearing a white jacket and a brightly colored button down in the '80s. That was a wild time, wasn't it?
So, listen, we're beginning to get a little concerned. You've been saddled with your share of problems over the years, some of which weren't your fault. Hurricanes have been a bitch and you look like a flaccid penis. God can be cruel, Florida. But, you also have LeBron James, so there's that. But, the problem we are having right now is the crime. You see, we're no angels in Texas. We carry guns like the residents of most states carry spare change. We literally make change with 9mm sidearms.
Still, we can't help but wonder what is going on down there. Back in 2012, you pretty much destroyed us in the "whose criminals are worse" contest. We like to win around these parts, but that was one we were glad to hand over to you. For years, you have had face eating bath salts freaks, serial killers like Ted Bundy and Danny Rolling. Then there was the whole George Zimmerman/Trayvon Martin disgrace (Zimmerman still thinks it was Obama's fault). But, in the last week, all hell has broken loose.
There was this white dude who shot into a car full of black kids for playing "thug music" too loudly. If I shot into a truck every time some redneck blasted "Sweet Home Alabama" in East Texas, I'd be the Ted Bundy of this part of the state.
Then there was yet another face eating incident. In this case, some crazy guy probably hopped up on bath salts was shot by police after attacking multiple people, including an 18 year old who he bit in the face. The victim had to stab him with a box cutter to get away. The cops tried to use a taser on him to no avail and ended up shooting him three times. It's like you are creating a race of killer zombies with the DNA of Rasputin down there.
Finally, there is the case of the Miami Dolphins. Maybe it's not rape or murder or face eating, but when the three-fifths of the starting offensive line of an NFL team and its coach is involved in the systematic and brutal hazing of two fellow players to such a degree that one considered suicide and the whole debacle rose to the level of requiring a 144-page report on the matter, it's kind of a big deal.
Did you read some of the crap that Ritchie Incognito texted to Jonathan Martin, Florida? The stuff he said about Martin's mother and sister was the kind of stuff you hear about on a Law and Order SVU episode about hate rape websites. It was disgusting.
What the hell is going on down there? Is it the humidity? Is it the Cuban food? We've never heard of a pulled pork-related homicide, but we're beginning to wonder. Maybe it is because you took CSI Miami off the air. Could this be Horatio's revenge?
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Whatever the case, you need to pull it together. We have meth heads and Mexican cartels and hate crimes and secessionist tendencies, but you won't catch the Texans O-line threatening to hate rape a teammate's sister and we try to keep our face eating zombies to a minimum.
Call Don Johnson. Get Michael Weston from Burn Notice out of retirement to lay the smack down. Whatever you have to do, make it happen because we're concerned. And if a state that saw a black man dragged to death in the last 20 years is worried, you might want seek professional help as soon as possible.