Pop Rocks: Five Things That Ended More Quickly Than Kim Kardashian's Marriage
I'm shocked, shocked to hear Kim and Kris are getting divorced.
If you had the 73-day "under" on the length of Kim Kardashian's marriage to Kris Humphries (a.k.a. The Most Blatant Gambit to Maintain Consecutive Gossip Mag Covers Since Paris Hilton Exited A Car Sans Panties), you just doubled your money.
Yes, Kim Kardashian has issued a statement confirming that her marriage to Kris Humphries is over.
"After careful consideration, I have decided to end my marriage. I hope everyone understands this was not an easy decision. I had hoped this marriage was forever but sometimes things don't work out as planned. We remain friends and wish each other the best."
I sense a lot of you are reacting with scorn to this news, and you should be ashamed. I mean, if a marriage between a marginal NBA player (career 5.6 PPG average) and a trust fund baby whose only reason for fame is likely the worst amateur porn tape ever made can't succeed, well, that doesn't leave a lot of hope for the rest of us.
And besides, plenty of things never lasted longer than 72 days.
Food Poisoning 24-48 hours
If you're unfortunate enough to eat tainted food, the good news is you'll likely be free and clear in two days. The bad news is you'll be blowing liquid from every orifice that entire time, which is pretty much the same reaction I have watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians on Bravo.
Netflix Presents: Here Comes the Funny Tour
TicketsTue., Apr. 11, 8:00pm
TicketsFri., Apr. 14, 7:00pm
Festival of Laughs featuring Mike Epps
TicketsFri., Apr. 14, 7:30pm
TicketsSat., Apr. 15, 8:00pm
Jeff Dunham: Perfectly Unbalanced
TicketsSun., Apr. 23, 3:00pm
The running time of Modern Times Forever 240 hours
Yes, that's ten days. Apparently it's a study of the decay affecting the Stora Enso Building in Helsinki. Sitting through this sounds slightly less appealing than actually watching that Kardashian TV show.
William Henry Harrison's Term 30 days
I'll let The Simpsons speak for this one (at the 3:45 mark).
Falklands War 42 days
See? Even postcolonial conflicts with far-reaching effects on both Argentina and Great Britain didn't have the staying power of a loveless marriage of celebrity convenience.
Felony Gun Charge in California 60 days
Note to self: Try to avoid the often overwhelming urge to pull a gun on public school property. Oh, if only Game (formerly "The" Game) had heeded us earlier.
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