Pop Rocks: For the Longhorns, Five Gratuitous Movie Beatdowns
It was ugly, brutal and painful to watch. As a movie fan of some 40 years, I could be describing any number of lopsided fight scenes. But as a UT fan, I'm of course referring to the horrific pounding Oklahoma put on my Longhorns last Saturday.
The Sooners dominated every aspect of the game, trouncing a Texas team that maybe, possibly can see a silver lining in their relative youth (QB Case McCoy is a sophomore, QB David Ash and RB Malcolm Brown are freshmen). But there's no denying OU administered a good, old-fashiond hippie ass-whomping, as Chief Wiggum might have said.
Seeking solace in the two things that have given me solace in my darkest hours -- Jack Daniels and movie trivia -- I tried to frame my despair in such a way as to make the most sense to me. So here are several grotesque cinematic ass-kickings.
Donnie Yen Is A Metric Badass -- Ip Man (2008)
Take famed martial arts actor/choreographer Donnie Yen and cast him in the true story of Wing Chun master Yip Man, who was one of Bruce Lee's early teachers, and the awesomeness just sort of happens. As it does here, when Ip Man -- enraged at the execution of a fellow master by Japanese invaders -- takes on ten black belts at once. I have to play this in slow-mo just to see his hands move.
The Whole Movie -- Taken (2008)
It's impossible to narrow it down to one scene. It might be like a big-screen 24, but it's obvious that Eurotrash are the rising stars of movie villainy (still trailing Nazis, radical Muslims and the English, though). And Liam Neeson might just kill every single person on the Continent.
Needless to say, if you haven't seen Taken yet, don't watch this clip.
Henry Teaches That 'Nice Boy' A Lesson -- Goodfellas (1990)
For all his other faults -- borderline intellect, serial infidelity, possible sociopathy -- Henry Hill knew how to send a message. I doubt the neighbors across the street ever sent any Hanukah cards to the Freidmans after this.
"Uncle Fucking BULLY!" -- Once Were Warriors (1995)
Jake "The Muss" Heke is a drunk, a woman beater and a man of extreme violence. It's this last aspect of his personality soon-to-be ex-wife Beth exploits when she discovers the reason behind their teenage daughter's suicide. This is the scene that plays behind the eyes of any father when he thinks of something happening to this little girl.
"'PC Load Letter?' What the fuck does that mean?" -- Office Space (2000)
We go from highly trained special operatives and barely literate murder machines to disgruntled IT dudes with a score to settle with their local printer. I'll leave it for the reader to decide which group yours truly more closely identifies with.
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