Pop Rocks: For Your Consideration, Five Men Sexier Than "Sexiest Man Alive" Channing Tatum
Do what needs to be done, America.
People magazine named Magic Mike star Channing Tatum their 2012 Sexiest Man Alive. He's the 24th person to win the title (four have won it twice), a venerable and tradition-soaked honor that's included the likes of Mel Gibson, Brad Pitt, Harry Hamlin and ... Nick Nolte? The hell?
Oh right, Prince of Tides. We were a sappier nation in 1992.
As with any contest in which the selection mechanism is kept secret, the results have to be considered suspect. I mean, I enjoyed Magic Mike as much as any man reasonably comfortable in his heterosexuality could, but to say Tatum is the sexiest man alive does a grave disservice to dozens, if not hundreds of living men. Not the least of which are the five I've listed after the jump.
General David Petraeus As the band Gang of Four once said, we love a man in uniform (only we mean it sincerely, not in a snotty '80s punk way). And as Henry Kissinger once said, "power is the ultimate aphrodisiac." Combine the two, in the person of the former top commander in Iraq and Afghanistan and the (recently) former CIA Director, and you've got quite the seductive combination. At least, that's what biographer Paula Broadwell must have thought.
FYI, Petraeus would be the first four-star general to win the title.
Paul Ryan Fiscal policies, shmiscal policies, that's a widow's peak you can set your watch by. You could tell in interviews with the Republican VP candidate that reporters were more interested in his workout regimen than his plans to effectively destroy Medicare by giving control of it to the states, for example. And after seeing those pumping iron pics, I'm not sure he wasn't running for Sexiest Man Alive all along.
Nick Offerman Offerman is a carpenter as well as an actor, which should confer some practical sexy cred right off the bat, if such a thing exists. Come on ladies, admit there's something a little attractive about a dude who can fix a toilet or change his own spark plugs (both of which I've done, ka-ching). However, this shout-out is almost solely due to Offerman's portrayal of Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, lover of pretty, dark-haired women, breakfast food, and Lionel Richie.
Psy Sure, Channing Tatum has firmly chiseled abs, and can really make it look like he's humping the floor to that "Pony" song, and he occasionally takes his sunglasses off, but can he create a dancing sensation that has taken the nation by storm? No? Why can't he? Oh, right; because he's nothing more than a charlatan in a white wife beater.
J.J. Watt Has anybody ever been on the cover of Sports Illustrated and been named Sexiest Man Alive in the same year? I'll save you the trouble of looking it up: no. Only one non-actor has ever won (John F. Kennedy, Jr. in 1988), and it would be kind of weak to pick some pretty boy like Tom Brady or Tony Romo (I bet Namath would've won if they had the SMA back in 1969, though). Watt has just that kind of wholesome aura People readers get off on, and being taunted by opposing lineman for winning the award would probably enrage him to the point of getting 40 sacks a season. It's win-win.
Get the Theater and Arts Newsletter
Exclusive discounts and announcements to Houston theater shows and art events