Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

It's true; we're so lame.
It's true; we're so lame.

Autumn is almost here, and with it comes yet another batch of new TV shows. The fall TV season is both more and less significant than it was in the past. More, because the number of networks debuting new series vastly eclipses the Big Three from days of yore. Less, because mid-season, late-season, and spring premieres have rendered the "event," such as it was, largely irrelevant.

The big (read: free) networks haven't helped their situation, continuing to flood the airwaves with new doctor shows (The Mob Doctor), cop shows (Beauty and the Beast, sort of), tiresome retreads like Chicago Fire), and another inexplicable Reba McEntire vehicle (Malibu Country). She really is our Sarah Bernhardt.

And don't forget the sitcoms. Every year the big (read: dumb) networks have to throw at least a half dozen comedies at us in the hopes some laugh-tracked atrocity sticks. I have little hope for most of the ones I've heard of to this point, and that goes double for Guys With Kids, a new NBC show that promises to blow the lid off that most fascinating of comedic premises: stupid men attempting to take care of children. Stupidly.

Here's the preview, which I will attempt to "break down" for you as hip, urban slang suggests I should:

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

There are rules for policemen about taking children to bars. The first is: only bring them to establishments where dogs are welcome, because any mess they create will pale in comparison to piles of feces left on the floor.

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

And the second is: get the kids out of there before sundown. Seriously, nobody else in that establishment thinks this shit is cute. We get it; he's too dumb to remember to bring milk for his infant child. Will he be stymied by a poopy diaper as well? Oh, you men.

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

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While this move is more commonplace than we let on, huffing your own child's ass is not as endearing to the opposite sex as you might think.

 

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

In Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade Henry Jones (Sean Connery) has a great -- if sad -- line: "You left just when you were getting interesting." Most parents acknowledge that the infant-toddler years of our kids are often mind-numbingly repetitive, but only the biggest assholes among us actually project that sentiment in front of our children.

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

What's that? You're broke? And unable to provide for your [four] children's long term well-being? HILARIOUS.

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

Clearly if you leave your woman home all day with children she'll have no recourse but to put on gloves and demand a night of romance-ification. We're such pigs, at least according to this guy:

Pop Rocks: Guys, Don't Watch Guys With Kids

Current Late Night host Fallon has admittedly shown flashes of intelligence on his show, but either those are anomalies or he was taking a nap when they were handing out writer/creator/executive producer tags. Coincidentally, or perhaps not, the guy has no kids of his own.

Once upon a time, men were depicted as decent fathers on TV: Mike Brady in The Brady Bunch for example, or Steven Douglas in My Three Sons. Maybe we're better at dealing with adolescents, or maybe it was decided the first half of Mr. Mom was a better yardstick to measure male parental skills. Nowadays it looks like the concept of fatherly competence, like dollar-a-gallon gas and moderate Republicans, has vanished from the face of the earth.


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