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Pop Rocks: How Do These Imaginary Friends Measure Up To Manti Te'o's Special Lady?

Deer, meet headlights.
Deer, meet headlights.

The problem with writing intermittently humorous pop culture blogs on a regular basis is the not infrequent occasion when real life completely obliterates anything you could come up with:

Admitting that he deceived his parents and the press about the nature of his relationship with Lennay Kekua, but denying any involvement in the hoax, Manti Te'o spoke with ESPN's Jeremy Schaap Friday night for more than two hours in an off-camera interview.
[...]
When asked if he was a part of the hoax, Te'o, who was interviewed with an attorney present at IMG Sports Academy in Bradenton, Fla., responded, "I wasn't faking it, I wasn't part of this." As for why Te'o never visited his dying girlfriend in the hospital, he told Schaap, "It never really crossed my mind."

Jeez, I get in trouble if I don't immediately surrender the remote when my wife has the sniffles.

Look, either Te'o was in on the hoax, or he wasn't. Or he wasn't then he was, whatever. The only thing more stupefying than the situation itself is the amount of bandwidth given to it online and on TV (what, none of you ever made up a girlfriend?). And besides, the more important question is how well "Lennay Kekua" stacks up against others of her [imaginary] ilk.

Captain Tuttle Movie/Show: M*A*S*H (1973) Physical Description: Tall, dark, and philanthropic. Romantic Potential: High What a catch: a surgeon, 6'4", 195 lbs, auburn hair. studied medicine at Berlin Polytechnic, field decorated. You'd think people would remember a guy like that walking around, especially next to Radar. Unfortunately, he was fabricated as a cover in order to funnel supplies to Sister Theresa's orphanage.

The worst part? I've seen every episode of M*A*S*H so many times I wrote all of the above from memory. "He was the best damned O.D. we ever had!"

Tyler Durden Movie/Show: Fight Club (1999) Romantic Potential: Low to moderate "Tyler" had no problem getting it on with Marla Singer, but we probably shouldn't use a chain-smoking depressive as our barometer on this. Objectively speaking, Brad Pitt was exceedingly hot in '99, but sharing an abandoned bachelor abode with several dozen Project Mayhem recruits doesn't lend itself to cuddle time.

Unless you're a chain-smoking depressive.

 

"Frank" Movie/Show: Donnie Darko (2001) Physical Description: Six-foot, creepy looking rabbit Romantic Potential: Ew. Like his inspiration, Harvey the Rabbit, Frank is probably not truly imaginary (unless he's the product of Donnie's incipient schizophrenia, but that's one of many possibilities). It's not really worth getting into the intricacies of the parallel universe plot, but lingering questions about his existence, to say nothing of his negative influence, make him lousy imaginary boyfriend material.

Spiny Norman Movie/Show: Monty Python's Flying Circus (1970) Physical Description: Anywhere from 12 feet to 800 yards long Romantic Potential: Who doesn't love hedgehogs? Normally I wouldn't condone human-hedgehog relations because the latter are just so tiny. Norman, on the other hand, is normally just large enough to make things ... interesting for the curious person.

You'll get more attention if your name's "Dinsdale," however.

Mr. Snuffleupagus Movie/Show: Sesame Street (1971-present) Physical Description: Juvenile mammoth seeks LTR; birds okay; no tusks. Romantic Potential: Hirsute Yes, Snuffy is real, or so we were taught in 1985. Sesame Street writers were worried the way the adults on the show consistently berated Big Bird for blaming things on a mystical pachyderm might convince actual children to withhold important real world information, such as whether they were being molested or not. This is commendable, but I grew up with make-believe Snuffleupagus, and was half-convinced he and Big Bird were more than hetero lifemates anyway.


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