Pop Rocks: Let's Kill Osama Bin Laden Again, Hollywood Style

If only.
If only.

Today marks the one-year anniversary of Osama bin Laden's death at the hands of Navy SEALS (temporarily in the employ of the CIA, to make it all nice and legal). In just under 40 minutes, some two dozen commandos stormed the al Qaeda leader's compound in Abbottabad and shot him dead. After bin Laden's identity was verified, his body was flown from Bagram Airfield in Afghanistan to the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Carl Vinson and buried at sea.

What a gyp.

Osama bin Laden was a real-life supervillain. The mastermind behind the 9-11 attacks as well as the embassy bombings in Dar es Salaam and Nairobi was the most nefarious enemy our country has faced since the Cold War. And he died off camera. Are you kidding me? We wanted the Belloq death scene from Raiders, but what we got wasn't even the Indy-shooting-the-swordsman scene from Raiders.

This is America, dammit. We like our beer cold, our TV loud and our bad guys blown into atoms in widescreen Technicolor by a shirtless, cigar-smoking dude firing an RPG who immediately makes a wisecrack like, "Don't blow your top, bin Laden." In short, we wanted him to die more like one of these guys.

Adolf Hitler -- Inglourious Basterds The only accurate way to make a direct comparison between Hitler and bin Laden obviously is not in the magnitude of their crimes, or the global threat posed by each, but in the punk-ass way in which they ultimately went out: bin Laden capped while cowering behind his wives, Hitler taking his own life in a bunker before the Soviets could get ahold of him. Der Fuehrer's demise at the hands of Quentin Tarantino was much more satisfying; if only we could've lured OBL and his top commanders into a theater as well. Though knowing his...proclivities, it would've had to have been nothing but a reel of Condoleezza Rice's appearances on Meet the Press.

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Shang Tsung -- Mortal Kombat Just so we're clear, I'm talking about the video game, not that craptastic Christopher Lambert movie. That being said, who do you send to take him out? We have no proof the guy was much of a martial artist, so would it really have been that gratifying to see the Honky Tonk Man or Jerry "The King" Lawler beat bin Laden to death with his bare hands?

Yes, yes it would.

Bennett -- Commando This is what I'm talking about. Commando is, in many ways, the apex of '80s action cinema, with all that implies. Ridiculously violent, unapologetically homoerotic and slyly self-referential ("I can't believe this macho bullshit!"), it's a movie for the ages. Provided those ages are between 12 and 34. And dudes.

 

Stuntman Mike -- Death Proof I have no doubt getting beaten to death is a pretty unpleasant way to go, but I'm also not entirely sure bin Laden wouldn't have enjoyed getting the shit kicked out of him by Zoe Bell, Tracie Thoms and Rosario Dawson a little *too* much.

And another QT movie? Oh, why not?

Mr. Tolley -- Shark Attack 3: Megalodon The part of me that loves shitty horror movies (it's a big part) likes to believe the government spirited a live bin Laden to the Carl Vinson for questioning, but he escaped on a Jet Ski. Well, temporarily, as it turns out.

Rostov -- Invasion U.S.A. Back in the day, few things were as accurate a predictor of quality filmmaking as the words "A Golan-Globus Production" at the beginning of your film. It's funny, for while the later days of the Cold War were pretty tense, what with that whole global thermonuclear war thing and all, we really should have been breathing easier. Because if I learned anything from my wasted cinematic youth, it's that the fearsome hordes of global Communism were no match for the likes of Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Norris.


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