Pop Rocks: Movies That Sound Like Porn But Aren't

Pop Rocks: Movies That Sound Like Porn But Aren't

Wan•der•lust [won-der-luhst] noun 1. a strong, innate desire to rove or travel about.

The movie Wanderlust opens tomorrow. It's the story of a recently laid-off urban professional and his wife who end up on what appears to be a commune populated largely by attractive people and not the hirsute neurotics one expects. As you can guess by the definition above, it's unlikely the movie will have anything to do with actual lust. Well, not directly at any rate.

Since I'd rather not write for the umpteenth time about Jennifer Aniston, I thought I'd instead take the opportunity of her latest rom-com's release to come up with some other movies that sound dirty but actually aren't. Or if they are offensive, it's for reasons other than DV/DA.

Like, say, it stars Tom Cruise.

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The Beaver (2011) Actual Plotline: "A troubled husband and executive adopts a beaver hand-puppet as his sole means of communicating."

Porn Plotline: "Monstrous vagina terrorizes the Pacific Northwest, thwarting all military attempts to destroy it. It briefly teams up with the giant breasts from Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask) on a destructive rampage before being defeated in giant genital combat by a decommissioned MX missile."

Shaft (1971) Actual Plotline: "Cool black private eye John Shaft is hired by a crime lord to find and retrieve his kidnapped daughter."

Porn Plotline: "Disturbed young man is unable to climax unless he fornicates in abandoned mines. Finds love with busty spelunker."

Billion Dollar Boner (1960) Actual Plotline: "Terrence Patrick Mulligan O'Houlihan will receive one billion dollars unless he abuses any birds." Fine, it's not a movie. But it has "boner" in the title!

Porn Plotline: "After a near fatal crash, astronaut Steve...Ballstin is fitted with a cybernetic penis, which the government puts to use by having him seduce enemy spies and hump them into unconsciousness."

 

The Harder They Come (1972) Actual Plotline: "Wishing to become a successful reggae singer, a young Jamaican man finds himself tied to corrupt record producers and drug pushers."

Porn Plotline: "Desperate to overcome his inability to ejaculate, young Ivanhoe travels to Jamaica, where he finds his hang-ups easily addressed through smoking copious amounts of ganja and local lovelies."

Octopussy (1983) Actual Plotline: "A fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death lead James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy."

Porn Plotline: "The Octo-Mom is back! And it'll take no less than eight strapping men to satisfy her (she had eight kids, you do the math)."

A Few Good Men (1992) Actual Plotline: "Wet-behind-the-ears Navy lawyer Daniel Kaffee defends Marines accused of murder; they contend they were acting under orders."

Porn Plotline: "Hell-o, sailors! It's anchors agay when the fleet's in, and don't be fooled by the name; black, white, brown, Kaffee drinks them all!"

We've Never Been Licked (1943) Actual Plotline: "WWII morale film for Texas A&M graduates fighting overseas."

Porn Plotline: "Aggy and her sorority sisters at Phi Eta Pi take their vows of chastity seriously, until the arrival of a mysterious sister from Austin. One with a prodigious tongue..."

 

Ride the Pink Horse (1947) Actual Plotline: "In the bordertown of San Pablo, preparing for an annual 'Mexican Fiesta,' arrives the mysterious Gagin. His mission: to find the equally mysterious Frank Hugo."

Porn Plotline: "Bareback means something else entirely at San Pablo's notorious dive bar El Toro Cachondo (The Horny Bull), where mechanical bulls aren't the only things that have the regulars bucking."

Snatch (2000) Actual Plotline: "Unscrupulous boxing promoters, violent bookmakers, a Russian gangster, incompetent amateur robbers and supposedly Jewish jewelers fight to track down a priceless stolen diamond."

Porn Plotline: "The '70s were a swinging time in London, especially for diamond smuggler Shirley 'Shrubbery' Denovitz, who uses her -- ahem -- natural landscaping for concealment. That is, until an unusually amorous Customs agent threatens to blow things wide open."

Girl with a Pearl Earring (2003) Actual Plotline: "A young peasant maid working in the house of painter Johannes Vermeer becomes his talented assistant and the model for one of his most famous works."

Porn Plotline: "Griet's duties as a model for famous painter Blowhannes Creameer are threatened when she insists on turning her head away from every money shot."


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