Being a horror and sci-fi movie fan, the eventuality that I would witness the end of the world has always been a foregone conclusion. The only question was whether our ultimate fate would be handed down by rogue asteroid, genetically engineered supervirus or towering inferno.
Now it seems there's precious little time to consider these apocalyptic niceties, for as I'm sure you've heard, Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of Jersey Shore has a bun in her heavily bronzed oven.
For MTV the challenge will be to blend the concept of proper mothering with Snooki's reputation for hard partying.
"This is Snooki we're talking about," a good MTV source said with a laugh. "Good parenting isn't exactly something the public will expect from her!"
That's putting it mildly. But rather than hope against reality that MTV will somehow change the focus of their show from "GTL" to conscientious prenatal care, we should probably seek confirmation that the end of days is truly upon us. Sad to say, it looks like the stars are indeed right, especially if we consider celebrity-related omens.
5. Lindsay Lohan Is Still Alive
I realize we usually stick to the twin examples of Keith Richards and Abe Vigoda in debates about who is or isn't dead, but for the last few years LiLo has possessed a higher Surprise Living Celebrity quotient than anyone besides Zsa Zsa Gabor and Artie Lange.
4. The Twilight Franchise Is Coming To An End
Breaking Dawn - Part 2 gets released in November of 2012, only 2,000 years after the release of the first Twilight movie. At least, that's what it feels like.
3. That Lorax Remake
Dr. Seuss's classic cautionary tale of industrialization and conservation is finally getting the do-over it deserves: Turning into a romantic coming-of-age tale with a wisecracking Lorax. Starring Taylor Swift.
2. Boston Sports Teams Are Good Again
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Time was, we could depend on the Patriots, Bruins and especially the Red Sox to fail every year in the postseason. Oh, they'd get close, but that just made their fans' heartbreak that much more delicious. Now, all three franchises have won championships in recent years (multiple times for the Sox and Patriots), making Armageddon a welcome alternative to dealing with their newly smug fans.
1. The Anti-Christ Is In The White House It must be true, since I've read it on the Internet. Obviously Barry HUSSEIN Obama has used his first term to consolidate power (rather than strike swiftly to bring America to its knees, because what supervillain would do that?) and is poised to exploit a Republican party wracked by unpopular and indecisive candidates. Once again, it's in the Bible, people.