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Pop Rocks: U.S. Economy Looks Blah But Your Ass Looks Great

Taxes under the knife? No. It's our faces.
Taxes under the knife? No. It's our faces.

This week's Gallup Economic Confidence Index was released yesterday with complete stagnation from the week prior. While no news is also good news, this doesn't mean we are all excited over the country's current economic situation. According to the poll's trend, Americans "remain in negative territory, where they have been since the start of Gallup Daily tracking in 2008." Additional reporting states that only 39 percent of people think that the economy is getting better with more than half of the country saying that it's getting worse.

In related news, The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) just released its annual report, which found that among other things, "more than 11 million cosmetic surgical and nonsurgical procedures were performed by board-certified plastic surgeons, dermatologists and otolaryngologists in the United States, totaling more than 12 billion dollars."

You read that correctly.

I just came across an open letter to President Obama by a single-mother unable to make ends meet for her family; the letter has gotten close to 100,000 likes on Facebook. Her biggest complaint is that the country's economic instability is due to the president's insistence that we all get health care. As you can imagine, the majority of the comment section remarks echo her cry - "Yeah! You tell 'em, sister! Why do we need stupid health care? Keep your government out of my Medicaid!" Given the recent trend in cosmetic surgery hikes, I'm thinking she might be on to something. Oh wait, no, I am thinking the exact opposite.

This country just plopped down 12 billion smackers on tummy tucks and new noses directly out of their pockets, as cosmetic surgery is rarely covered by insurance. We can't afford to purchase fresh fruits and vegetables, but we can afford to get the fat sucked out of our asses? According to the report, Americans had 363,912 liposuction procedures performed this year. That number is up by more than 16 percent from last year! I don't understand; I thought we were all starving? Do hungry people really care that much about their cellulite?

And unlike our negative feelings on the state of the economy, which has remained flat, there has been a 12 percent increase in cosmetic surgeries performed across the board. No. 2 on the list of procedures is breast augmentation. Seriously? We are OK with cutting benefits to our veterans who fought for freedom because they also won us the right to have big, perky boobs? Guess what teen military brides -- your soldier husbands won't be able to grab your new sweet racks when their hands get blown off and the government refuses to pay their hospital bills. That may be the worst sentence I've ever written.

Am I eating crazy pills? Why are we complaining so much about how our government is killing us with tax hikes. Is it because prior to the 161,389 eyelid surgeries performed this year we all just couldn't see the numbers that well?

Over 140,000 people got nose jobs last year. Do you know what else 140,000 people did? Died in Syria since the civil war began. Does one thing have anything to do with another? No. But it's still crazy.

Maybe I am taking this all too seriously. Who cares that this country is crying over our sad state of affairs? As long as we can afford to freeze our frown lines with Botox, let's go right on complaining.


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