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Pop Rocks: What's in a Name? A Lot, If You're Talking About Hurricanes

"Hurricane Al" wouldn't have been much better.
"Hurricane Al" wouldn't have been much better.
Image by hypnodesign

Hurricane Sandy slammed into the New Jersey coast yesterday as a Category 1 storm. The mid-Atlantic seaboard and New England will be dealing with flooding, power outages and property damage in the billions of dollars before all is said and done.

Local officials and newscasters were out in force in the days leading up to landfall, beseeching those on the Eastern Seaboard to take the situation seriously. It was a task that proved difficult, owing mostly -- according to my own research -- to the innocuousness of the hurricane's name.

This is Sandy, or this, or maybe this. Make no mistake, the Northeast is going to be feeling the effects of this storm for months, and that's terrible, but let's not lose sight of what's really important: naming these storms in accordance with the misery they inflict.

And in all seriousness, all of us on the upper Texas coast know how bad this sucks. We just ... wish your storm had a badder ass name.

Agnetha Few things are more terrifying than the prospect of twelve hours of "Waterloo" rattling the frame of your house for 12 hours.

Bud The former Houston Oilers owner is still one of those most hated men in town. Other areas of the South should feel free to use "Beelzebub" as they see fit.

Cockmonster Per Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's admonishing letter on gay marriage. Another one that's probably more frightening to those in the Bible Belt than the Big Apple,

Hurricanes: so beautiful, so deadly.
Hurricanes: so beautiful, so deadly.

Dalton "Pain don't hurt," but Hurricane Dalton will eagle claw your entire county in the throat.

Enya One of the more chilling results of climate change: a hurricane that bores you to death.

Franco Could refer to either the still-dead Spanish dictator or the Spider-Man actor. Either are equally unpleasant.

 

Yeah, I'm gonna need you to put away your lawn furniture, mmmkay?
Yeah, I'm gonna need you to put away your lawn furniture, mmmkay?

Goddamnmotherfuckingsonofabitch Oft exclaimed by those sitting in a lack of post-storm air conditioning (sorry I couldn't find a link to the actual song).

Hitler There are dictators with larger body counts, but Hitler is the one everyone can agree on.

Incontinentia The name of Biggus Dickus's wife might also be an apt description of uncontrollable precipitation.

J.R. Hurricanes screw you over in many ways, and no one is better at that than the eldest Ewing brother.

Khan "Be prepared for steady accumulation and isolated KHAAAAAAAAN-centrated areas of heavy rainfall."

Lumbergh Everyone's favorite boss would serve as a reminder that you have to go back to work eventually..

Magua Last of the Mohicans really ... isn't that great, but Magua was bad ass. Plus, I like to tell my wife when we go to different stores at the mall: "I WILL FIND YOU, NO MATTER WHAT OCCURS!" She loves it.

 

No longer just a fashion disaster.
No longer just a fashion disaster.

Newman Jerry's nemesis was more annoying than destructive, but at least you could mutter the storm's name in Seinfeld-ian fashion as you cleaned up all the branches in your yard.

Obama Hurricanes begin their lives far from American shores, JUST LIKE OUR PRESIDENT.

Paltrow You just know there's a link to "fun organic recipes to try while hiding from gale force gusts" on that fucking GOOP site.

Quetzlcoatl The Aztec god of wind, and I bet Jim Cantore would have a bitch of a time pronouncing his name.

Rooney Like the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off, the hurricane shows up at your house uninvited, leaves mud everywhere, and shows no interest in baseball scores.

Shooter No, not the character from that crappy Mark Wahlberg movie, the dickhead from Happy Gilmore. Nobody wants his house destroyed by that guy.

Tyson If nothing else, you'd believe this hurricane could result in financial catastrophe.

 

No one would "shelter in place" during Hurricane Walken.
No one would "shelter in place" during Hurricane Walken.

Ulrich Adding insult to injury, Hurricane Ulrich ravages your town, then expects royalties for the YouTube clips you post of said destruction.

Van Hagar Meh, this storm is way too pandering and derivative as opposed to its harder rock roots..

Walken "That smarts, doesn't it? Getting slammed in the nose. Fucks you all up. You get that pain shootin' through your brain, your eyes fill up with water. That ain't any kind of fun, but what I have to offer you, that's as good as it's gonna get."

Xenia If only all such storms exerted such wonderful, wonderful low pressure.

Yoko 'nuff said.

Zed/Zod One is a "hillbilly rapist," the other the ostensible dictator of Earth. Neither are particularly nice gentlemen.


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