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Pop Rocks: What's in a Name, Chris Brown?

Put the puppy down and slowly back away.
Put the puppy down and slowly back away.

Much virtual ink has been spilled while discussing the latest news about R&B singer Chris Brown, who as you may recall pleaded guilty to felony assault of then-girlfriend Rihanna in 2009. Many feel Brown has been less than contrite about his crimes, and incidents like losing his shit following a Good Morning America interview and Tweeting "HATE ALL U WANT BECUZ I GOT A GRAMMY Now! That's the ultimate FUCK OFF!" have demonstrated the guy has learned little from either his punishment (five years probation, six months community service) or the widespread public backlash (a handful of idiots on Twitter nothwithstanding).

What, if anything, have we learned from this sordid business? Well, speaking only for myself, I discovered I will never let any of my daughters date anyone with the surname "Brown."

Now, that may sound like a sweeping, unfair generalization until you do a little research, like I did the other day instead of cleaning out the garage. In those long minutes spent skimming Wikipedia, I learned having the last name "Brown" is almost as bad as having the middle name "Wayne." Don't believe me? Of course you don't. Read on regardless.

Jim Brown Widely regarded as one of the -- if not *the* -- finest running backs of all time, the former star for the Cleveland...Browns(!) has a history of arrests for battery and sexual assault dating back to the 1960s, including one for beating his then-fiancee in 1986. Most of the charges were later dropped, though Brown was convicted of vandalism in 1999 after breaking the window of his wife's car.

But what's a few "terroristic threats" when you can run like this?

Jackson Browne No charges were ever issued in an incident where police were called out to Browne's home in 1992, and Browne has repeatedly denied ever hitting Daryl Hannah (or Joni Mitchell, who wrote a song obliquely claiming otherwise). Browne supporters point out that no police report was ever filed, which may or may not mean anything. Nonetheless, it just proves we must remain vigilant even when someone cleverly adds an "E" to their last name.

James Brown Sadly, the Godfather of Soul often acted like the plain old Godfather when it came to women. Brown was arrested multiple times for domestic violence, dating back to the 1980s, pleading no contest to one such incident in 2004. All this after serving three years for possession of an unlicensed firearm and assaulting a police officer (in 1988). But he sang that song in that Rocky movie, so we have to forgive him, apparently.

 

Bobby Brown Neglected in all the recent coverage of Whitney Houston's death was the 2003 incident where the two appeared together in court so Brown could face charges of misdemeanor battery after an argument at the couple's home in which the singer repeatedly threatened to "beat her ass." Truly, a love for the ages.

Michael Brown No list is complete without a local boy, and while Brown was acquitted of assault against his wife Rachel, this Press story from 2002 paints a picture of a guy who, how do I put this, spends an awful lot of time having to physically defend himself against women. Even using a bedpost on one occasion.


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