Pop Rocks: Your Guide to Watching Mad Men Without Staring at the "Hamm-Bone"

My eyes are up here, sweetheart.
My eyes are up here, sweetheart.

In the latest issue of Rolling Stone, Mad Men star Jon Hamm reveals he's a little tired of all this talk about his enormous genitals:

"Most of it's tongue-in-cheek," he tells contributing editor Josh Eells in his first solo Rolling Stone cover story. "But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have - a prurience."
"They're called 'privates' for a reason," he says. "I'm wearing pants, for fuck's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a fucking lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my cock, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite."

Hamm has apparently just discovered people on the Internet are juvenile and obsessed with sex. He better warn co-star Christina Hendricks before ... oh, right.

I sympathize with Hamm to a point. He seems like an affable, intelligent dude and I have no doubt this isn't what he bargained for. On the other hand, cry me a fucking river, Mr. Ridiculously Handsome Star Of A Critically Acclaimed TV Show Who - Oh, Did I Mention? - Is Also Well Endowed. Hamm broke through in the mid-2000s, a full two decades into the tabloid era. I'm sure the lack of privacy and liberties certain online wags feel they can take with your photographs sucks, but you should find some small solace in your two houses and your eight figure AMC contract.

But just to prove we're not all heartless groin fanatics out here, I'm offering a list of alternative areas of focus for Mad Men's upcoming sixth season. The better to spare Hamm's feelings, you see.

Jessica Paré's Teeth Megan Draper's chiclets have already been in the show's script (in the scene where Megan is told she won't be an actress), so it isn't like they're a landmine to be tiptoed around. Hell, I like 'em. Probably because I had to wear braces for three years and I'm still pissed off about it.

Pete Campbell's Chin, Or Lack Thereof "Go home and be with your family." "Why?" He's the ad man you love to hate.

Roger Sterling's Hair John Slatery is quite the silver fox (though come to think of it, are any of the show's male characters bald?). And as the show's gone on, he's easily become my favorite character.


Stan Rizzo's Beard Truth be told, it was the only thing keeping him warm during his nude work session with Peggy. Anymore he looks like an older version of Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf.

Betty Francis' Girth It promises to be significantly less this season, now that January Jones had had her baby, and ... eaten its placenta.

Harry Crane's Wardrobe Have you seen some of those season six stills? Interesting stuff there, Harry. And by "interesting" I mean "sock it to me!"

Joan Harris' ... Well, You Know The atmosphere of sexism that pervades the show is obviously something creator Matthew Weiner wants to examine and keep the audience focused on. Of course, it's arguable that Christina Hendricks is more objectified now, thanks to the fact millions more can ogle her, than she ever would've been in 1963. Hamm may have to put up with some stupid puns (admittedly, "Hammaconda" is pretty good) and - oh the horror - a Tumblr that's 80 percent fully clothed shots, but right now he's getting a taste of what just about every female celebrity who's ever shown some skin has been dealing with for almost 20 years.

Lighten up, Draper.

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