Protect Your Cat's Right to Bear Arms With How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety
Puberty, and all its temptations, is yet another one of the many dangers today's cats face.
Photo by Carter Sherman
As we inch our way through an election season that only grows crazier by the day, we must help our greatest allies stay strong: We need to talk to our cats.
At least, that's what we should do according to the recently released book How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives. The book is credited to a group dubbed the American Association of Patriots, a far, far right-wing group whose hatred for all liberals, non-Christians and birds is matched only by their love of adorable kitties. The group hopes to help American cat owners talk to their pets about how to live a pure, proper lifestyle – complete with a total embrace of cats' 2nd Amendment rights – and to thus work together to keep our country strong.
“Armed with the knowledge contained within these pages, you and your cats can make America great again!” writes Zachary Auburn, the AAP's president, in the book's introduction. (No points for guessing who he'd vote for.)
But in case that wasn't enough to tip you off, neither How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety nor the American Association of Patriots is meant to be taken seriously. Instead, the book is actually an outrageous parody of ultra conservatives written by Auburn, who originally published segments of the How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety as zines.
TicketsSat., Mar. 4, 8:00pm
Je'Caryous Johnson's "Married But Single Too"
TicketsFri., Mar. 10, 8:00pm
The Illusionists - Live From Broadway (Touring)
TicketsSat., Mar. 11, 4:00pm
The King and I (Touring)
TicketsTue., Mar. 14, 7:30pm
Brain Candy LIVE: Adam Savage & Michael Stevens
TicketsThu., Mar. 23, 8:00pm
The book is less of a narrative and more of a collection of pamphlets, each of which focus on a separate topic and are structured as a Q&A between the AAP and naive cat owner. They touch on all the major issues your beloved cat will likely encounter in this modern, sinful world, from realizing evolution as a liberal lie to needing to avoid the “Chinamen” out to steal cats' identities online. As the book points out, “It is frequently said that curiosity killed the cat, but what is often left unsaid is that the actual cause of death was the improper discharge of a firearm by a poorly trained feline.” How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety also doesn't shy away from the vital questions that the liberal media never asks, such as, “How does Satan lure young cats into his fold?”
By the way, if you disagree with any of the AAP's advice, you are obviously a godless Commie spy sent here by Europe to bring down America.
While the book is often hilarious thanks to its sheer ridiculousness, be warned: If you do not like puns, you will not like this book, because there are is a near-catastrophic amount of them. (Okay, usually they're better than that one – but sometimes they're not.) However, there are also quite a few cute cat photos, which in our opinion is a good enough reason to overlook bad puns.
If you're struggling to talk to your feline friend about avoiding perils like catnip or “pinko liberals” – or you just need a laugh to get you through to November 8 – pick up How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety. We'll be waiting for Auburn to publish some of the other AAP pamphlets advertised in the back of the book, including How to Talk to Your Cat about The Moon Landing Hoax, How to Talk to Your Cat About Georgia O'Keefe and of course the essential How to Talk to Your Cat About Hosting a Dinner Party.
How to Talk to Your Cat About Gun Safety And Abstinence, Drugs, Satanism and Other Dangers That Threaten Their Nine Lives
By the American Association of Patriots
Three Rivers Press, 136 pp., $12
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.