Avengers: Age of Ultron opens this Friday. It's the penultimate film of the so-called Phase Two of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (the last will be Ant-Man, coming later this summer). When all is said and done, there will be 22 movies in the MCU.
Now as you may know, Marvel Studios doesn't have the rights to all Marvel Comics properties. Sony owns Spider-Man, while 20th Century Fox owns the X-Men and Fantastic Four, neither of which have any say or role in the various MCU phases. So what follows, true believers, is the definitive ranking of all 36 Marvel movies released by the various studios. I'm excluding those released pre-1986 (sorry, 1944 Captain America serial) and those not released in U.S. theaters: Captain America (1990), The Fantastic Four (1994), Man-Thing (2005), and The Punisher (1989).
No, that last one was not released in theaters. You just think it was.
36. Howard the Duck (1986) Nothing — not camp value, not '80s nostalgia, not hidden Lea Thompson fetishism — should distract you from what a huge turd this is. And to think George Lucas actually *stepped down* as president of Lucasfilm so he could focus on making movies like this. Maybe the prequels shouldn't have been such a surprise after all.
35. X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) I figured out the problem with this movie, aside from the incoherent plot and boring supporting cast, I mean: Wolverine is old news. He's still popular with the kids' set and your mom, but just like with the final reveal of his origin in the comics, they waited too long (i.e., after the third, craptastic X-Men movie) to give him his own flick.
34. Blade: Trinity (2004) Hey, it's Ryan Reynolds again. If we were including DC movies in this, he'd have three movies in the bottom 10 (Green Lantern). Then again, it's his calling Parker Posey a "cock-juggling thunder cunt" that keeps this from the bottom two.
33. Daredevil (2003) I had totally forgotten Colin Farrell was Bullseye in this. So that's another three spots down the list. I'm told the director's cut is superior, but I have other priorities right now, like reading the collected works of Paul Reiser and finding the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Screw it, let's just watch that fight scene from the Netflix series again.
32. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (2012) You really can chart Nicolas Cage's choice of movie roles by his worsening financial position. Fun fact: the Ghost Rider franchise is another of those in which rights issues forced Sony to make another movie (see also Fantastic Four) so it woudn't be returned to Marvel.
Like they'd want it. Somehow I doubt the Avengers would have been improved by Johnny Blaze chain-whipping the Chitauri.
31. Fantastic Four (2005) I'm pretty sure Chris Evans signed a deal with the devil consigning each of his FF costars to (career) hell in exchange for his own success. Don't believe me? What blockbuster movies have Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Michael Chiklis, or Julian McMahon been in recently? Also, his character *bursts into flame*. Hail Satan.