There are a million reality shows on the naked television. We're going to watch them all, one at a time.

Sorry everyone, I needed a week off. While I understand being able to follow a show or two on a consistent basis, I really think experiencing the entire terrifying spectrum of reality television may be doing irreparable mental damage. As Nietzsche once said, "If you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." And few things are as abyssal as Teresa Giudice's cold, psychopathic glare.

The reality (hee hee) of the situation is I'll never be able to watch every show out there. There are a half dozen Real Housewives variants, nearly that many dance competitions, and an endless stream of programs about picking, hoarding, gypsies or pregnant teenagers. At one a week, I can keep doing this until roughly 2075, which is when I've determined the premiere of Celebrity Fetus Bedazzling will cause our previously indifferent god to smite us once and for all.

Until then, the deluge will continue. Here's a taste of what's on the horizon.

[All quotes are from press releases/official websites/bitchy gossip pages.]

Girlfriend Confidential: LA will follow [America's Next Top Model season-3 winner] Eva, who's focusing more on her acting career and pursuing entrepreneurship all the while maintaining a relationship that's sort of up-in-the-air; talent manager Kelly Marie Dunn, who's in the process of rebranding herself; interior designer Nikki Chu, who's working hard to rebuild her design company; and actress Denyce Lawton, who is grieving the loss of her murdered brother and adjusting to the single life after recently breaking off her engagement.

"Rebranding?" "Rebuilding?" Read my lips: BO-RING. But that news about Denyce is tragic; it must be terrible to be single in Los Angeles?

This reality series from Survivor creator Mark Burnett and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire's Michael Davies will pit applicants against each other in an attempt to land their dream job. Lisa Ling will host.

The real challenge was bleeping out the preliminary interview for the guy whose dream job was getting reamed with a dildo by Gianna Michaels.

TLC's new "Breaking Amish," premiering Sept. 9 at 10 p.m., tosses five young Amish and Mennonite people into the heart of the city and stands back to see if they thrive. Or survive.

Of course, now I know where that Heisenberg hat comes from.

Aw yeah: AMISH PILLOW FIGHT!