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Secret Schwings: Unsung Celebrity Crushes from the '90s

Hubba-hubba!
Hubba-hubba!

Patricia Richardson, who played Jill Taylor on Home Improvement for 204 episodes, was one of my first celebrity crushes of the '90s. What was it that drew me to her? I don't know. The voice, the hair, the domineering sneer, this Tim Taylor fantasy sequence?

When I found out she was on Twitter not too long ago and very active on the site, it reminded me of my weekly Improvement viewings and being oddly attracted to a plain Midwestern housewife who had to deal with a power tool-crazed pig while raising three very different children.

Remember their youngest son Mark turned out to be "goth" or whatever passed for "goth" on a hit ABC family comedy in the '90s?

Damn, come to think of it, I think the only people from Improvement that didn't have some sort of freaky deaky following were Wilson and the dudes from the hardware store. You know there was some lady out there with an Al Borland scrapbook.

So I wondered if other people had weird, unsung celebrity crushes in the '90s, off the beaten path of sanity. Yeah, we all liked the same rock stars, pop stars, Baywatch chicks, and cheesecake pinups. But what about the people whose poster you couldn't buy at Sam Goody or Walmart?

Family Matters' Steve Urkel As A Girl

Huh? Man, I bet there is also someone out there with a robot fetish who gets off on UrkelBot too.

The Girls In Veruca Salt

No argument here. Louise Post and Nina Gordon were stone-cold alt-rock '90s foxes. Can't fight the seether, or those American thighs.

Every Female On Club MTV

This suggestion came from another friend, who describes being enamored with the daisy duke-wearing revelers on MTV's daily bump n' grind fiesta. The Grind was pretty cool too, and a little bit more profane.

Secret Schwings: Unsung Celebrity Crushes from the '90s

JTT

Most young girls in the '90s loved Jonathan Taylor Thomas with the heat of a thousand suns. The thing known as JTT turned 30 years old last September, making women all over the country feel at long last, incredibly old.

Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

You don't need to be a real, live human to get love on this list. A co-worker shouted out the "Party Dude" ninja turtle as her early crush object. If he was a person, we would be Andrew WK I presume.

 

Jamie Walters

Walter's Wiki entry described him as "an American actor, singer, firefighter and record producer" -- four things that are guaranteed to get anyone laid in this country, no matter how many years it has been since they were on Beverly Hills, 90210 or had a hit song on the radio.

Snuggle

As in The Snuggle Bear, the softest and cuddliest corporate mascot to come from the '90s, besides Frankie Avalon for Sonic. At least he/she/it smelled good. Frankly Snuggle looks like something my dog would hump, not that anything is wrong with that.

Larisa Oleynik

The Secret World of Alex Mack was a Nickelodeon sci-fi lite offering for about four years, starring the ravishing accidental mutant/tomboy Larisa Oleynik. The actress stayed busy after the show ended in 1998 with guest spots on 3rd Rock from the Sun and much later, some Mad Men episodes as Cynthia Cosgrove. And who can forget the 1999's 10 Things I Hate About You, arguably one of the teen movies of the late '90s, which starred a little-known Aussie named Heath Ledger.

Michael Biehn

Talk about unsung, this star of The Abyss, The Terminator, and Tombstone was gushed over by another coworker like he was Justin Timberlake.

Jane Seymour

Dr. Quinn, Sexy Medicine Woman, amirite? A friend voted for the incomparable and proper Miss Seymour as his crush pick. Have you ever seen her in Wedding Crashers? It all makes sense. Kitty cat!

 

All The Male Culkins

Many people stomped their feet and shook their fists to lobby for inclusion of all the Culkin men on this list. Though I think Macaulay didn't become conventionally attractive until 1994's Richie Rich. Wait, what?

Topanga from Boy Meets World

Danielle Fishel, Topanga on Boy Meets World, picked up where Full House's Candace Cameron left off as the big-boned crush object of choice of the '90s. Any list, any time you ask guys who grew up in the '90s to list their crushes, will say Topanga, no matter their race, creed, or social status.

Devon Sawa

Secret Schwings: Unsung Celebrity Crushes from the '90s

Sawa made millions of young girls (and even some boys) swoon with his roles in Casper, Little Giants, and Now and Then. His role as a drug addict in SLC Punk! brought them all back down to reality though.

Monica Lewinsky

OK, fine I will just have to come out and say it since no one else has ever admitted it. When I was 15 or so, I found Ms. Lewinsky extremely attractive and cut out pictures of her from Newsweek and Time and kept them in a book of clippings along with Christina Ricci and Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Ginger Spice. I wasn't even turned off by the "blowing the president" thing either.

Runners-up:

Joey Lauren Adam topless in Mallrats Selena Kerri Strug Giuseppe Andrews Hanson Carla Gugino


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