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Ten Houston Women You've Probably Dated

There's something about those Houston women.
There's something about those Houston women.
Photo by Son Lam

Last week, our own Angelica Leicht regaled us all with a list of man-children the women of our fair city have probably dated. It was a frighteningly accurate list, according to the comments section. Sure, we all had a good laugh, but some of us also couldn't help but think that dating isn't exactly a cakewalk for us gentlemen (a term I use liberally), either. Dating can suck both ways, and since we at Art Attack believe in equality, here's a list to try and even out the playing field. And don't worry, guys. We've all had those feels, including yours truly.

The Xenocentric She's the woman who just hates it here. And although here refers, in this case, to Houston, it really could refer to any city besides the Big Apple, the Windy City or the City of Angels. Houston is just so boring, you know? There's no culture here. It's not a gargantuan, sprawling metropolis with a burgeoning music scene, award-winning theaters and museums and a town where she can try creative cuisine. She's just got to get out of here, and she'll never stop talking about it. If her life is stagnant, it's Houston's fault, not hers. But as soon as she moves to New York, Chicago or LA, she'll surely flourish.

The Austin Hopeful She could be placed in the same category at the xenocentric but, due to the proximity of our state capitol, this woman gets her own category. We get it, OK? Austin is a cool spot, and we too enjoy visiting on occasion. Believe it or not, a lot of us like Austin just fine, but it's tough to go on dates with someone who's constantly complaining about where she lives and wishing she lived just 160 miles northwest of here. Get over yourself or just relocate already, please.

The Hometown Hottie This woman was the belle of every high school and college ball. Every guy wanted her number, attended parties with her despite being friend-zoned, and she hasn't paid for a drink since she persuaded her older brother to buy her beer in 10th grade. She feigns modesty, but she loves the attention, and everyone sees it. You especially see it. Those trust issues so many people have? This is how they develop them.

 

The OMG LET'S GET MARRIED She's smart, sweet and laughs at all your jokes. You really like her, and... Wait, did she just make a joke about moving in together? The two of you have only dated for two months! Look, ladies, we get it. Relationships can maybe, eventually, one day lead to co-habitation and marriage... in time. But three dates in, we're probably just looking to have a good time. And no, that doesn't mean all we want to do is have sex with you.

The Daddy's Girl She's a first-year social worker. Or maybe she's a teacher. But she's gainfully employed, of that much you're certain. But the first time you visit her apartment, you see that it's massive. Far bigger than she could reasonably afford. And she won't stop talking about how terrible the complex is and how she can't wait to move. Maybe she deals drugs on the side? Nope. Mom and Dad are successful doctors, lawyers or astronauts (on furlough?), and they help her make ends meet. In college, she may have gotten away with it, but in her mid-20s it sets a bad precedent, and she's become as snob.

The Overly Political One She's opinionated, and you like a strong woman. That was, after all, a big part of the initial attraction. This being the H-Town, however, the political waters can get murky. Sure, Houston's a progressive city, but Texas is part of the Bible Belt, so this vocal young woman will have a different opinion every week. She's so conflicted about her opinions, you don't know what to even agree with to avoid an argument.

 

The Party Chick/Hot Mess You met her at Warehouse Live, and it was the night of your life. She's the only woman you know who enjoys drinking more than you do, and she went home with you that very night. You thought you'd keep it casual, if you ever even contacted one another again, but it became a regular thing and mutated into a full-blown relationship before you could even get your bearings. Six months later, you're holding her hair back as she vomits into your toilet, while you stare at the clock, calculating how much sleep you can get if you fall asleep right now. This has become your life. And, of course, she's damaged, so good luck getting out of this one without a few emotional (and perhaps physical) scars.

The Independent Southern Belle She has opinions, and by golly you're going to hear them! But you'll always pay for dinner and drinks, always open every door the two of you are entering and will always be expected to be the designated driver. So you'd better act like a man! One or the other would be fine, but this one likes to pick and choose whether she's a fair lady or a fiery, self-governing women whenever she sees fit. You can't keep up with the double standard, so just stop trying.

The Bandwagon Collegiate Faithful She never attended school there. Hell, she's never even stepped foot onto the campus. None of her family has history there either but, like so many Pittsburgh Steelers fans (up until this season at least), she found a kinship with an institution that has a lot of history, even though she doesn't have any there. Every Saturday afternoon, she'll make you wear that Texas A&M, Texas, Oklahoma, LSU or Alabama T-shirt she bought you. Sure her alma mater is playing a game too, but she wouldn't be surrounded by a legion of fanatic graduates, so what's the point?

The Higher Than Thou Everyone likes a lady in the streets who's a freak in the sheets, but things can get complicated when said lady/freak is an overzealous church-, temple- or mosque-going Goody Two-Shoes. Some of what you assume is a masquerade may be a bigger part of her personality than she originally lets on. Inevitably, you'll find yourself trying to keep a straight face as you argue with her about morality, religion and the afterlife... While naked. Are you really going to proselytize to me right after we did that?


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