Let's talk about skateboarder-turned-MMA-fighter-cum-shock-jock Jason Ellis's new book, The Awesome Guide to Life -- Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together, shall we?
This book landed on my desk by some small miracle, perhaps sent over to us by the gods, and most definitely because somebody, somewhere knew I needed some learnin'. Some chick learnin'.
This book sure is something. You ever read a book and find yourself wondering where it has been all your life? Like, it's so life-altering and it enlightens you on so much about the world that you're completely enthralled, and you find yourself hanging on every word? Well, this is not one of those books, unless you're a glutton for punishment.
But we'll get to that. First, let's talk about Ellis. So this dude was once upon a time a skateboarder. He was a really good skateboarder, in fact, and he won lots and lots of awards and apparently also won a massive ego. He's retired from skateboarding now, and he has taken on a new career or six. He is now a Mixed Martial Arts fighter, a Howard Stern-wannabe, an author, and, judging by his book, a complete dick. I can use that word, considering he's used it at least 18 times in the first few chapters. I stopped counting after that.
He's already written one New York Times bestseller, "I'm Awesome," and that makes me want to cry angry tears for the state of our nation, because damn, this guy should never be giving advice. But he is giving advice. In fact, this is the second time he's giving advice. Oh, and what advice it is.
Ellis, who refers to what I assume are women as "girls" throughout the entire book, covers just about every subject. He talks about getting fit:"...it's scientifically proven that being fat makes you stupider." He talks about getting your shit tight: "Free-balling can be cool." And he talks about how to get laid: "If you don't have girls hitting you up on Twitter or a radio show where you can meet porn stars, don't take it too hard." The dude talks about everything, and somehow nothing, all at once.
Thing is, I guess I already know everything you need to know about free-balling as a girl, so I only learned a minimal amount during those chapters. But where Ellis really enlightened me was when I got to the chapter entitled, "How To Be A Chick." Apparently on top of all of the married cougar and "hot and horny grandmother" talk, Ellis is also a wealth of knowledge on what one should do to be a proper chick.
Being a proper chick is important, right? And I don't want to be the only chick who gains Ellis' insight. So since this stuff is very-super-extra important information, I thought I'd share the wealth of knowledge for the rest of you. Here are the top 10 things I learned from Jason Ellis when it comes to being a chick.
10. "Ladies, if you have big tits hanging out of your shirt...that makes you look like a whore." Well then. Women, please make sure to wear something that grazes your collarbones at all times, or you will inadvertently be mistaken for a lady of the night. You know that cute V-neck sweater? The one that doesn't suffocate those lady bits, and allows you to breastfeed or appear to be at least a little bit feminine? You should toss that bitch, or you'll be getting solicited in the airport and the grocery store. Let's hope for your sake that this never happens, or Jason Ellis can say he told ya so, whores.
9. "Girls shouldn't say "dude." They shouldn't say "bro."" Whoops. Broke that rule at least six times since the start of this blog, dudebro.
8. "Girls really need to be aware of how they laugh." You know, if you can't keep your donkey-laugh at a socially acceptable bray, perhaps you should just stop laughing at all, ever. I mean, women should be seen and not heard, am I right? Guys? Guys? No?
