The 4 Most Inappropriate Relationships in Children's Television
As mentioned before, we reproduced, and trust us when we say that we love our little girl with all of our hearts. However, we are getting to the end of our rope when it comes to all the children's television we're forced to watch in order to placate the littlest Hitler. Maybe it's just the fact that we're a horrible person, but we've begun to notice some very inappropriate relationships happening amongst the characters. Such as...
Ni-Hao Kai-Lan's Tolee has some deep issues that will one day manifest into a massacre. Of that we have no doubt. The four-year-old koala bear is obsessed with pandas. Every article of clothing he has is emblazoned with pandas. His sleeping bag is panda-shaped...presumably so he can feel secure inside of a panda, and he has his constant stuffed lovey Pandy, whom he is never separated from lest he break down emotionally in a way that makes Linus Van Pelt look independent and stable.
Let's be clear, the scenario that we just laid out is basically the same mind-set that plagued Jame Gumb in Silence of the Lambs. It's obvious that Tolle suffers from some kind of cartoon version of a severe gender identity crisis, though in the case it's a species identity crisis making it obnoxiously furry on top of everything. Giving Tolee an object to project all of this anxiety onto sounds like a very bad idea.
Anyone remember the Ventriloquist and Scarface from Batman? 'Cause that's Tolee and Pandy's future.
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Team Umizoomi is kind of fun if you imagine it as The Justice League animated by the folks that gave you Abby's Flying Fairy School. Milli, Geo and Bot are dedicated to teach kids math skills, and judging by the people we meet in everyday life, that's a noble mission because the folks in line in front of us at McDonald's holding everyone up while they try to calculate how to save three cents on a weird meal combination show us that the education system ain't getting the job done.
The team often comes into contact with the Door Mouse, a security guard who makes them solve simplistic puzzles that to him are impossible. We'll let slide that the Door Mouse represents every meatheaded bouncer and doorman we've ever come into contact with over the course of our music career, and because of that we very much want him to die alone from some tainted cheese.
What bugs us about the relationship between him and Team Umizoomi is how they continuously try and teach his ignorant rodent self math, and every time they meet him again he's just as useless as before. It doesn't say much for the brand's educational ability.
Yo Gabba Gabba has tackled nutrition and not eating things on the floor, and for that we're grateful... or we would be if their method wasn't so damned creepy. The focus of these storylines is usually Brobee, and he sings the popular song "Party in My Tummy." That's fine, but the food he's eating joins in with adorable backing vocals begging to be consumed and rot inside the hot, dark cavern of his stomach. In fact, when he spares the carrots and green beans, they sob uncontrollably until he agrees to consume them.
That's not even the most disturbing example. In one episode Brobee drops his toast on the floor, then starts to eat it anyway. The toast comes to life and screams for Brobee to stop as she's now covered in germs. Cool, right? Everyone lives. Nope, she then begs the robot Plex to send her to "a better place," which apparently involves being incinerated in his laser beam. That's the fate she chose as better than being eaten.
We don't know what's going on in Brobee's mind in this relationship, but the foods in Yo Gabba Gabba are rampant vorarephiles. Do NOT click on that link. Ever.
We like Little Bear. It's a fun little show that we feel teaches some really good lessons about how to interact with people. Frankly, if the show had been around when we were a child, we might've had more friends and not grown into the twisted loner who makes money accusing cartoon characters of interspeciality....which we're going to do right about...now.
Emily is a young girl a little bit older than Little Bear, and pretty much the only human character amongst an all-animal cast. She visits the neighborhood often, but rarely interacts with anyone besides Little Bear alone.
We can't put our finger on it, but take a look at that episode up there (Loaded upside down to avoid copyright infringement complaints from Viacom because it's not piracy if you stand on your head). The way that Little Bear's and Emily's eyes follow each other at all times, the fact that Little Bear is naked when it's shown often that his parents wear clothes, the subtle lilt to Emily's voice whenever she says Little Bear's name, none of these things out and out screams that just off camera the characters are doing things pretty explicity banned in the Bible (We mean burning incense), but the relationship between them just has this weird...electricity that makes us turn the episodes featuring Emily off whenever they come on in our house.
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