The Best Worst Sylvester Stallone Movies Ever
Today is Sylvester Stallone's 65th birthday, with the veteran action star sharing his day of birth with former President of the United States, George W. Bush. Most people know Stallone best for playing iconic roles such as Rocky Balboa and the crazed Vietnam vet John. J. Rambo.
Younger folks will either know him as the guy that isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger or Antonio Banderas. Or they will know him as the kindly gentleman in Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over. My friend Ryan counts his 1986 film Cobra as a cinematic triumph, and I am inclined to agree. Plus, it has the best poster tagline ever: "Crime is a disease. Meet the cure."
Last year's The Expendables looked pretty cool, because Stallone was rumored to be high on steroids and HGH the whole time, plus it featured Jason "Yummy" Statham. Meow!
Seriously, Over The Top is all about arm-wrestling, one of the most noble and true sports ever, plus a drunk and angry Robert Loggia who just wants the best for his shitty grandson. I own the soundtrack on vinyl. What have you done with your life?
Markiplier's You're Welcome Tour
TicketsThu., Jun. 8, 7:30pm
Something Rotten! (Touring)
TicketsFri., Jun. 9, 8:00pm
Something Rotten! (Touring)
TicketsSat., Jun. 10, 2:00pm
"The Fine Tex Mex Tour Starring William Lee Martin & Alex Reymundo"
TicketsFri., Jun. 16, 8:00pm
Disney Presents The Lion King (Touring)
TicketsTue., Jun. 27, 7:30pm
To be honest, the nudity in The Specialist was my favorite part, and this was when Sharon Stone was not yet a cougar from hell, and still running on fumes from Basic Instinct, so she had to get naked to keep her name on the lips of producers. I suffered Sly's bare ass for a mere seconds worth of Stone titty.
But by far, my favorite Stallone picture isn't a Rocky, and it's definitely not Rambo. It's Demolition Man with the still-sexy-in-1993 Sandra Bullock, a blonde Wesley Snipes and the three sea shells. How do you use the three sea shells in the bathroom? It was a common topic of discussion in sixth grade. Do you wipe your ass with the shells? Do they contain some sort of helper troll that cleans your buttocks? We never found out, and perhaps never will.
Stallone's film career is full of more misses than hits since Rocky, quite honestly. But the misses are completely and utterly entertaining. Some are so bad that they are good, and always worth at least a chuckle or two. We own about half of these on this list, and we will make ourselves late for many important social and family events if they come on when we should be leaving the house. We love you Sly, no matter what you do.
My second favorite thing about Stallone, besides the films on this list? You guessed it.
Over The Top
Demolition ManNext Page
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.