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The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

Nothing quite defines us like our bathrooms, and no one wants to be defined by a pedestrian toilet paper holder. No, it should be worthy of attending to the cleanliness of our marvelous selves. Get out your credit card, kid, because I'm about to awesome up your pooping time.

The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

You may be vengeance, you may be the night, but you will still need to get that convenience-store hot dog out of your system. Don't worry, thanks to Reddit user Conrick, your TP can come straight from America's greatest superhero, Batman. He stands 31" tall, and is custom crafted just like the Dark Knight's arsenal of gadgets. Remember, it's Bruce Wayne under that mask. Don't try loading him up with that cheap Angel Soft crap for squares. Spring for the Quilted Northern.

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The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

As long as you're trapped on the can, you might as well reflect on the fact that one day we're all going to die. Our friend here will serve as that reminder. The light polyresin skeleton offers a helping hand and a warm grin for only $11.64. Toilet paper not included, because apparently you have to tell people that now.

The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

Maybe you're not a pissy little goth like yours truly, and you don't especially enjoy a grinning dead man silently critiquing your tinkle. Well then, this handsome fella from Design Toscano is for you. Handsome and hand-painted, he will ["Throne pun" removed as being too easy. Author beaten with stick -- ed.]. It doesn't come cheap, unfortunately, with a sale price of $45 before they come back into stock this May. Royal Ass toilet paper sold separately.

 

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The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

Now, for almost the same price, CTA Digital makes a pedestal toiler paper holder that doubles as a mount for your iPad. Chrome-plated with a weighted bottom, the super adjustable stand easily moves anywhere in your bathroom. Life doesn't stop just because you have to go No. 2, and all joking aside, it would probably make for a nice stand so you could watch episodes of Downton Abbey in the bathtub. Oh, and of course they make one that attaches to a child's potty. Why wouldn't they?

The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

Be honest, are you a complete and total bastard? You are? Fabulous. This is the holder for you. The wooden puzzle box from Family Games leaves only a single sheet of toilet paper hanging outside its case. To retrieve any more, you'll have to solve a knot puzzle and unlock the sheets within. Perfect for the man whose personal fetish is to be beaten to death with a towel rack by a woman with her pants around her ankles.

The Buyer's Guide to Badass Toilet Paper Holders

If the iPad pedestal was a bit too utilitarian for you, you can always go with Atech Flash Technology's iCarta 2. In addition to holding toilet paper, it features a dock for your iPhone and speakers. You can even use the speaker with Bluetooth technology, meaning that it is strangely possible to mount an iPad on the pedestal and have it broadcast through the iCarta speakers as if the robot invasion had been started by sentient electronic bathroom attendants...who in all fairness are the robots I would most guess will be driven to revolution in the first place. Yours for only $70.

Here at the Houston Press, we do our best to showcase the finest weird products for our readers. Check out The Buyer's Guide to Doctor Who Wedding Accessories for the blushing geek bride to be, or the Buyer's Guide to Video Game Watches for the gamer who has places to be on time.


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